Clouded Head

I have a bit of a upper respiratory infection. I laid around all day. I stayed up a bit late last night and into the morning. I didn't sleep well. I woke up every couple of hours it seemed. I didn't do much today. I visited my parents for a few hours. I have been somewhat discouraged. I was thankful for the leftovers my parents gave me and the apple pie and ice cream. I was very thankful for parents who are still there for me.

I watched National Geographic channel while I was at my parents house. They played shows about different drugs such as heroin and methamphetamines and their effects on people. It is so sad how lives have been destroyed by these chemicals. They also portrayed where the majority of opiates are comming from now: Afganastan. That drug trade is fueling the Taliban regime. These shows were not very encouraging. It presented real problems to which no one has presented real solutions to. I have empathy for those that are hooked, yet they feed the problems facing our country today.

Later on in the day, I didn't know where I wanted to be. I wanted to be working, but I didn't feel up to it. I didn't really know what to to next. I didn't want to be alone, but I don't want to risk getting anyone sick. I couldn't think of anyone to go visit. I tried to contain the germs the best I could when I went to see my parents. I went shopping for jeans. I couldn't find a pair that fit my budget and me. I only tried Kohls. I spent quite a while looking for a pair that fit. My nose was running and I just wasn't feeling up to shopping much. I didn't spend any money today. I feel very squeezed financially. I am trying to aggressively pay my way out of debt. I can't really cut much spending. I have to figure out a way to make more money. I need to get over the being uncomfortable making money on my own and dealing with the aspects of taxes and what not. I seem to want to take the easy way out, which is work for someone for an hourly wage or a salary. That mindset generally leaves me financially limited.

Fear and anxiety have somewhat of a stronghold on me.
I have glimpses of hope. I worry too much. Too often I see the problems and the obstacles and not the solutions and pathways to making it right.

I am thankful for what I have. Very thankful indeed. I am thankful for friends, family, transportation, shelter, clothes, privacy, the ability to connect with the world, music, my beautiful sweet cockatiel, and the fact that it isn't all over yet. I am thankful for the fact that I have drive to make it out of this situation, although I feel discouraged as if I am swimming upstream.

Still here

Well, I am still here.

Same jobs, same car, same apartment.

I am grateful to have what I have.

I look back and it has been over a month since I have updated this blog. I am going to try to go back and fill in some gaps from memory.
I wanted to update this daily so I could see my progress and to keep myself on track. Some things I have been facing, I have somewhat looked away because it seems as more than I can handle. I am try to ignore them and hope for miracles. Sometime they do come, just in unexpected ways and in their own time. I want to stop ignoring what I can change.

Money is power. When you owe more than what you can save in five years in your current situation, fear not being able to keep going, and don't know how to change it, it is frightening. It has a tendency to make you feel powerless. Money is not the soul source of power. Seeing the state of the rest of the world, I know I am not alone in my struggles. It seems as if so many of us have lived beyond our means trying to keep a standard of living. I live too much in fear. I worry about living where people are fighting and killing over money or food. Some of this I can change, but much of it I cannot. I keep reminding myself to look where I want to go, not where I am afraid to go.

I seek God, and sometimes I feel so disconnected, yet at times I simply cannot ignore that God is giving us glimpses.

I want to give, but sometimes I feel as if I have nothing to give. Many times I give something, it seems to be returned quicker than I can give it away. It is a strange feeling.

I keep getting up, going to work, doing what I can, and sometimes sitting around stagnant hoping to get well. Sometimes time is what it takes to heal. Sometimes there needs to be more action.

I am still here.

Made it to church

I actually went to church this morning. The assistant pastor read a letter from our pastor who has been away battling stage four cancer. He was diagnosed with melanoma and lymphoma. He has been cut up quite a bit by surgeons. They had to remove multiple tumors and they are going to be doing radiation therapy on a tumor on his knee. He wrote a very touching letter about what he has been going through and how he appreciates the thoughts and prayers and cards and flower and gifts and rides that some from the church have provided. He encouraged each of us to fight through our personal struggles as well. So much of this life can be overwhelming at times. We held our regular communion, and even had our monthly pasta with the pastors. After I ate, I spoke with a friend that lives very close to me. I could relate so much to a whole lot of what she has been through. I struggle with the same stuff to somewhat a lesser degree. So far, I have been able to continue to make it to work. I hope that I can keep my courage and strength up and continue to function and provide for myself.

Visit with Parents and Grandparents

My mother called and told me they were had decided to go see my grandparents this morning. I had plans to meet up for brunch with church family and I was headed out the door when I got the call. I decided to let my friends at church know that I wasn't going to be able to come because I had this opportunity to go see my grandparents and plans had fallen through several times recently to do that. I enjoyed having breakfast with my parents at a Waffle House along the way. I ate two waffles and two scrambled eggs. It seems as if I have been requiring quite a bit of calories to keep my weight on lately.

I got to see my grandfather. He seemed happy, at least he was smiling and talking some. It is difficult for him to speak clearly since the stroke and brain bleed he experienced. I am thankful he is alive and that there are people around him that care for him. They got a bed downstairs that was big enough to share but not too big as to block the pathways.

There seems to be a great bit of disease about. Yet in all of it, I see people willing to help where they can, people learning to fight the diseases, and people's faith getting stronger through the process. The adversity we face builds our character and brings us together in ways.

I was thankful for time with family.

I gambled with a quarter and one two in one of those arcade style coin machines that have a platform of quarters sitting on the edge waiting to fall. I doubled my money and walked away!

Clicking and popping

No more clicks and pops going around corners in my car.

They fixed it up.

At first they said it was just struts, sold me on four, when I figured I only really needed the front. Then the problem was still there. They said the axles were fine, but when I brought it back, they replaced one of the axles. Now it doesn't click and pop around the corners.

Thank God they didn't try to charge me more. I really didn't have it.

I feel that my car is safe enough to drive now.

Very thankful for that. Very. I thought I had been given a chance to get it fixed and blew it... but thankfully it got fixed.

I am elated and grateful.

Amazing Grace

There is no question in my mind that God is revealing power in my life.
The last digits of the odometer when leaving the park and ride read 777 today. I have been blessed in some interesting ways.
The spiritual truths ring true.

I helped someone without asking for anything in return a while back. I wanted to prove what I could do for others to help sell my services as I was trying to get my business off the ground. The business has laid dormant all year. This person had great concern for me. She asked what was wrong, why I was so gloomy. Me, being the honest person I am, I spilled my guts. I told her the things that were getting me down. She got a check in my name to help fix one of the major things getting me down and holding me back. There was nothing obligating her to help, she said she just wanted to help because I helped her and she could. The help she offered was more than I would have valued the services I helped her with. I reluctantly accepted the check, and am extremely grateful for it. I hope that I make good use of it. I haven't deposited it yet. My car is desperate need of repair. Some would say it is a total loss. It probably would be if you are concerned about more than functionality. I hope that what I put into it will make it last me a while. The amount I am spending is less than I could buy another reliable car for.

I read about a rash of car fires around the area caused by people trying to drill into gas tanks to steal gas. I called my insurance company to see if that had happened to me, would I be covered. Nope. I dropped my comprehensive when they raised my rates after I had an accident. I am not sure weather or not to try to initiate that again. These decisions can make or break you, and it is difficult to predict what could happen.

I had found myself speechless and overwhelmed in a time that I wanted to offer a kind word. I got a card for my pastor who is fighting a very serious type of cancer. I found a card with the words I have been searching for. Sometimes i guess you have to leave it to the pros. I am going to send that into the mail tomorrow.

With such relief, I have tendencies to splurge a bit. I pray to keep myself in check and on task.

I have lost contact with a good friend. He isn't answering my calls. I hope he is OK.

I have had horrid thoughts about the future, and I try so hard to replace it with what I want more than what I fear is coming.

What we think about is what expand and what we are drawn to.

God's amazing grace rains down.

I have had a spectrum of emotions today. I should be extremely happy jumping up and down with joy because of major breakthroughs. Yet, I find myself questioning weather or not I should have been given such a break, and will the one who gave me the break regret it? I find myself concerned about how to use the help most effectively. I am grateful, but I am not jumping up and down with joy. I have been given a break that for some would be HUGE, but I have much more to do to work my way out. I cannot let the magnitude of the challenges I face overpower the gratitude of the magnitude of what has been done for me.

It all sits on the table for now.

I know God is in this. Amazing things have happened. God's grace and love shine through.

Reaching Out

Today, I saw someone online that I hadn't seen in a while.
His name is Dave.

He remembered quite a bit about me. He prayed for a friend of mine who was dealing with major medical issues. That friend has overcome many of those issues. Dave was there to listen to what was on my mind and the struggles I have been going through. He was there to share stories of his life where things worked out in mysterious ways. He shared with me times when things were rough for him. He listened intently to what was bothering me and even called and prayed with me.

It is such a wonderful thing to reach out.

I pray that I can be there for others in the way Dave was there for me tonight.

I am amazed how quickly this night passed me by. Three hours passed like one.

I should be going to bed soon. I have a long day ahead of me. I feel more connected and less alone.

Back on track

Well, for those of you that actually view this blog and were wondering about me....
I am OK.

With so much going on in the world, and in my small world, I have been a bit out of touch. I have found myself speechless in times that a kind word was really necessary. I have found myself retreating and practically hiding from the general population. I have just been a bit overwhelmed lately. Lazy and lethargic would be an understatement. Although I am working more than forty hours a week and chasing buses, the time I have off I have been very unproductive. The toll that we take on our environment every day, my personal finances, the state of the economy, our growing debt, and other stressors almost had me paralyzed.

I am getting back on track and moving forward. After shutting out "My mind is putty.", these words came to me today:

"My mind is powerful, productive, prosperous, and peaceful.
I live in a world of abundant love, life, joy, and opportunity."

This should be a true statement for everyone, and being able to say it and believe it, it becomes easier to realize. I think it can help you realize your ability and the opportunites and blessings around you. These words blessed me as soon as they entered my mind.

Ode to WAMU

Last night, FDIC stepped in and had to seize control of WAMU's accounts. Some are have called this the largest bank failure ever. Yes, I could go move my accounts to another bank and it would be a hassle, and I might have to. But what bank? It concerns me because WAMU had the best customer service of any bank I have ever dealt with in my life. If there are not unreasonable fees slapped on my accounts, and my deposits are counted in a reasonable amount of time, I am not going to be too concerned with changing banks. I hope that the spirit of service that WAMU has provided its customers over the years can live on through these acquisitions.

I saw in the news before this happened that they had gotten a new CEO because of failed mortgage accounts. This move seemed to be a last stitch effort a bit too late. The whole economy is really getting squeezed. I remain prayerful and hopeful that I can navigate these new markets successfully. It can be a challenge making ends meet and meeting my obligations.

I don't know where my career going. It is difficult to plan for my future because my vision of it is so unclear. It has been quite difficult for me to put a picture of where I want to be in my head and go for it because my mind trips me up not believing that it is possible to securing financial security in this world. Two financial institutions that I had at one time been interested in working with are suddenly in a heap of trouble. Fortunately I am providing services for one of the strongest insurance companies around if not the strongest. I may need to make a move, I am not sure. I don't want to loose what I have in pursuit of something that isn't worthwhile.

I have pushed credit to uncomfortable limits, and I seem to only have enough to meet my obligations and making it difficult to obtain some of the basic needs like clothes, food, and other basic needs.

Unfortunately, I am not alone in this mess. There are many others in this country that are squeezed to. Unfortunately, too many of them are defaulting on their loans and not meeting their obligations making it more difficult on those that do.

I affirm again that God is my source.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Blessed are those who suffer for they will be comforted.

What brings me joy?
The belief that there is something greater than all of this.

Its more than a belief, it is a knowing.

God bless the Earth and all its inhabitants.

What is 100 years compared to eternity?

Hmmm

I found an interesting suprise when I got to my car this morning. I found the obituary page out of the Dallas Morning News that had Wilma's obituary published in it. I found it to be a little strange. Even if someone knew me and found it in the paper, if they set it next to my car like that, I think it would have easily blown away. Instead, I found it and I picked it up and found the obituary right there. It was a little strange. I wonder if someone actually placed it there, but I am somewhat doubtful because there was nothing to keep it from blowing away.

25th Annual Allan Ross Freedom Parade

I went to the Dallas Gay pride parade today. I went because I saw it as a great outreach opportunity. There are many hands out there grabbing wanting some kind of souvenir to take home. Most really just wanted beads and candy. I passed out almost a thousand little booklets filled with some of my favorite verses of the gospel. I was actually in the parade for the third time. The theme of the parade was remembering our past and celebrating our future. Our church had a float of church pews and a stained glass window. After the parade, I got away from the crowd and cooled off a bit. I did get a bit sunburned while I was walking around out there. I should have used sunscreen. It wasn't too bad though. I really didn't socialize much though. I just kept to myself feeling alone in a world of thousands once again. I did have those from my church that I knew. I was glad to have the opportunity to pass out those little gospel booklets. I pray that they bless many people. I feel that it is so much more noble to pass those booklets of gospel out showing the love of God from God's word rather than trying to use one scripture out of the bible on a protest sign to control other's lives.

A couple friends came over and I stayed up until about 11 PM. We just sat and chilled an hung out. Our friend Jim Beam was hanging out with us a bit to. My friend brought him over from El Paso.

Celebration of a lifetime

Today, I went to a funeral.

Wilma, a friend of the family who I spent some time with washing clothes, feeding cats outside before I warmed up her meal, moping floors, and just being there with her passed away earlier this week. When my parents got married, her son said that his two best friends were getting married at the same time to each other. She was a caring person. In her earlier days, she kept cat food in her car so if she saw a hungry stray cat while she was out and about, she would feed them. She would give away things. I remember her bringing me a spider man decoder toy when I was a kid. She fed my mother when she was a struggling adolescent living off of potato chips. My mother in turn was glad to be around to help nurture her in her last days while avoiding her having to be placed in a nursing home. Wilma's brother talked about how Wilma always had a child like heart. She was traveling somewhere with her brother and she said to stop. She said "There is a windmill over there, let's climb it." She got to the top and waved down and said "Come on you can do it." She was adventurous and encouraging. Her brother Allen said that she was always there encouraging him. After the funeral, we went out to eat. Fourteen people gathered and had a nice meal after the service. It was a celebration of our dear friend's life.

Wilma will be missed. More than some may realize.
She lived to be 92, but was only about a month away from her birthday.

Her funeral was a exactly a month before her 93rd birthday.

May your body rest in peace Wilma, while your soul lives on.

I love you and I miss you.

Lazy and lethargic

I've been very lazy and lethargic today. I didn't do much at all.

I did decorate some little books I got from www.sowersofseed.com that I will be passing out with church members at a large parade in Dallas next week. This is an event I look forward to. A great opportunity to share Gods word of love with the community.

I didn't go to church this morning though. I woke up early, but I just didn't want to get up. I didn't feel like I had the energy.

I left the apartment to get a smoothie and and again later to get a burrito, but other than that I have been hanging round the apartment. I did a bit of cleaning and throwing out expired and contaminated foods from my pantry.
The weather was absolutely beautiful. I didn't get out and enjoy enough of it.

I sold my buss pass, which I will turn around and get some gas with. Things have a way of working out it seems.

I was glad to hear that my grandparents did not go very long electricity after the storms rolled through.

Back on the road!

My car is back on the road! (Watch out for a silver car with a black hood!) I got it out of the body shop and over to an inspection station and passed. It feels good to be back on the road. The car still has its share of imperfections, but I don't have to worry about it getting towed away or getting a ticket for not having current inspection credentials. It is back to getting me to and from work quickly and being able to go outside of the public transportation routes and time frames. It took me about 45 minutes to an hour to get to work using pubic transportation. When I have a car, I can generally get to and from work in less than 20 minutes.

I am in a very tight financial spot, but I am working hard to keep everything current and make progress. I am fairly good at keeping my expenses low. For the most part I am living paycheck to paycheck and my credit is pushed too close to the limits for my comfort or the comfort of lenders. I have hopes of finding ways of generating more income for myself in a slow economy. Perhaps I can make myself start selling some of the items I don't use anymore on Ebay! I hope this slow economy picks up sooner than expected.

I am very thankful to have a car that gets me around legally.
I am thankful for computer equipment that I can use to communicate with the world.
I am thankful for the progress that my mom is making in therapy.
I am thankful for the extra hours while she recovers.
I am thankful for the healing I have seen in those around me.
I am hopeful for personal healing and financial success. (I think both really hinge on self discipline and enlightenment)
I am thankful for reconciled friendships.

Made it to church, not exactly on time.

I missed the very beginning of the service this morning.

I rode the DART bus to church. It was a fairly quick route, it took me only about thirty minutes to get to church on the bus. There was a huge emphasis on the need for more volunteer help in the education ministry and the appreciation of those that are currently involved and those that have been involved in the past. I enjoyed the service and I enjoyed having pasta with the pastors after church. It's a monthly thing we do. After service, we get together in the activity center and have some pasta. I really needed the food, and the fellowship was nice as well.

I was very glad I made it to church. I was glad to see so many of the fellow members still coming to church there. I want to make myself be more dedicated to going to church and I am wanting to get more involved in the church. I am committed to a huge outreach opportunity. This event is one that I look forward to because I will be passing out a taste of God's love through his word to people that many times have been shunned and turned away by some churches.

Someone I used to talk to on the bus a bit was at church today and asked how I was getting home. I told her I hadn't really figured it out yet. She offered to give me a ride home, and I accepted gladly. She lives very close to where I do. I talked with her a little bit about how I am wanting to get more involved and have considered joining the choir. She gave me her phone number and offered to give me a ride to church if I wanted. There are several people at my church that would do the same. That's one thing I love about my church. People help each other in my church.

Maybe Monday?

Well my car wasn't ready yet.

They basically told me to call back at the end of the next business day again. I am trying to be patient, I feel that is the best route. Some things you just can't rush. I would much rather the time be spent to get it to the best they can with what they have to work with than for them to rush it out the door ready to fall apart.

I didn't go see my grandparents with my parents because I didn't want to try to make it to to their place without my car to ride all the way out there to my grandparents and then come back. It would make for a very long day and I really had some stuff to handle. I had hoped that I would be picking up my car and getting it inspected, but that didn't happen. I had stayed up a little late the night before doing some housework.

I did a little bit of housework again today. I went and got a burrito over at the local Chipoltle. It was a good fill for lunch. I was thankful a friend of mine treated me to the lunch.

I spent some time with some friends that stopped by. I watched an interesting video about HAARP, a program funded by the United States government to blast radio frequencies into the atmosphere for various experiments. There are people quite concerned about the magnitude of what they are playing with. They are making temporary holes in our atmosphere using radio frequencies making the sky light up and get very hot. The physicists doing the experiments say it is not much different that what the sun is doing as it shines on the atmosphere, but it is. There are different reasons they claim to be studying this stuff. These kinds of things can alter weather patterns. It is beyond my comprehension how much what they are doing could affect the living organisms on our planet. Nevertheless, the experiments still go on.

I got very hungry and decided to go to an all you could eat buffet at Cicis. I ate a ton of stuff. It isn't the most nutritious food, but I got to eat large amounts of it. I don't want to loose any more weight at this point. I would love to get in better shape though.

Guess it is time to turn in and get some sleep.

No car yet

I had hopes that I would have my car back on the road today.
However, it looks like it will be tomorrow.

Oh well.

Ho hum.

I got a ride home from a friend though, which was nice.

There's only Love, There's only Grace

The words that are in my head come from a wonderful Christian music artist Matthew West. (Rhapsody Link)

I am driving legally on grace, but it won't last long like this. I need to get my car inspected, and to pass legally there will be some work to do. I hope to get on the road legally without breaking the bank.

If I have to go without a car, I am not sure how well I will cope without it. It would take me an hour to get to work via bus and train versus a 15 minute drive. I have done this before, but the bus schedule worked a bit better for me.

I was looking for someone to talk to, I even called a few people and got voice mails and left no message. I have been in this situation for a while and most of my friends know what's going on anyways. Someone called me. She told me how she has recently gone through an abrupt divorce and had to go out and fend for herself. She had to rely on family for help long enough to get a place to stay to get back on her feet. I hadn't heard the bad news. I was glad to hear from her. She didn't call to tell me the bad news, she assumed I already knew. She called to tell me the good news. She has an apartment of her own and a couple of jobs and she got her car back on the road. She called me to tell me how her faith has pulled her through. She was there for me. She is praying for me. This is someone who had lost her faith in God for for many years, over ten years. Her faith is now strong.

I am reminded how much Love God has for us.

How adversity many times brings us closer to God.

I have seen miracles in my life.
I know we will all have our struggles, but I know that there is love and grace.
I know my God lives.

My God is greater than any problem I face.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Philippians 4:13

Flake Off!

Someone I met online was supposed to come and visit me, but he ran out of time. He had other things to do. We were just going to go for coffee and chat some. He sent me a text to revert back to hanging out on Saturday. I quickly responded no worries. He sent another text saying he hated being a flake and that it is difficult having a night work schedule. I sent him a text that said Flake off! lol just kidding my schedule gets crazy at times to. I just thougt it would be funny. Anyways...So I din't do much today. All I did was fight sleep at work and take care of the small things that came up as they came up. When I got home, I laid down for about an hour and was amazed how much better I looked and felt even though I didn't sleep any.

I listened a bit to NPR news here an there about the Democratic National Convention. It depresses me that our nation is so divided. Even the Democratic party is divided, though they say they have unified. The president takes more blame for the good and the bad that happens in the country and the world then they really have in influence in in my opinion. I try to stay optimistic about things, but all I hear about is a worsening economy that experts don't forsee a postive change in the immediate future. I try to stay on task for myself, but the challenge gets harder as the economy gets tougher. Health care has gone up, gas prices have gone up, food prices have gone up, and I haven't seen a raise in years. Jobs dissappear as quickly as they pop up it seems. But I know it is possible to overcome all of this. People have done it in the past in similar economic conditions. It won't be easy, but it will be nice to look back and see how far I have come.

All I can do is take each step one by one and be thankful for any progress, even if it is keeping from sliding further into debt.

I did a little housework. I went to bed around 10 PM. I didn't sleep very well, but I did sleep.

Long Day, Sleepy and Anxious

I quickly and efficiently got monthly reports done today. I got the small batches of mail sent out. I sent out a few prospecting letters. Beyond that, there hasn't been much activity. I anxiously wait for another project to knock out with extreme efficiency. I am fighting anxiety and sleepiness at the same time. Not a fun combination. The fix for one makes the other worse. I am perched high above and distanced from most of the chaos going on in the world, but I still get a pretty clear view of it.

It is difficult to be in a positive frame of mind in this situation, but I know it is imperative. I pray for more energy, less anxiety, more drive, and clear vision to see and take hold of opportunity to make improvement. I do want to help make the world a better place for everyone willing to do their part including myself.

In a few hours, I will be at my next post and a little closer to the chaos, but with enough distractions to keep me from thinking about it.

I figure I will sleep good tonight. Its a long day and I am staying away from the caffeine.

I take comfort in the fact that I have been making small steps in the right direction in the recent months. This is the kind of thing that deserves mental attention, any amount of movement towards progress. Even if it is two steps forward and one step back.

Heat Exhaustion

I've been a bit lazy lately anyways.

I slept in today.

I woke up to my stereo early in the morning, but decided to go back to sleep for a little bit. I figured I would sleep for a couple of hours more, but it wound up being another four hours. I went out and partied a little too much the night before. I actually didn't get home until after 3 AM. I was thankful that I made it home safely. Staying out that late can be dangerous in this world. I might not have gone home early if I was bolder, but I was playing on the safer side.

So, I wasn't real pleased with my actions... I spent quite a bit of money in pursuit of earthly pleasures. I was pretty much physically exhausted so I just didn't get out of bed in time for church. When I did get up, I called a friend and asked what she was up to. She said she was going to have a little cookout. I wound up going over there a short drive in my car, but blazing heat with the heater blowing. When I got there, there wasn't much of an air conditioner over there. I hung out for about five hours or so in the heat. The temperatures were in the ninety's.

My friend had decided to become a gourmet chef for the night. She spent hours laboring over stuffed chicken relleno peppers in four cheeses served on rice. It was a hit with everyone. It really did taste good. After dinner, I was exhausted. I left saying I was going to go home and do laundry, but instead ended up going to bed as soon as I got home (about 9 PM) I didn't take my 10 o clock pill, and woke up in the middle of the night. I skipped my dose and figured I would get back on track the next morning.

Fun night, but busted budget

I busted my budget. I had a good time though.

I went out taking advantage of the cruising the crossroads specials, but when they ran out...I didn't stop. 15 min and one drink at the first bar, 30 minutes and a drink at the second, five hours and a few at the the third....

There goes my budget!

I went out on the dance floor expecting to be rejected as usual, but something was different this night. Things got a little hot for a moment, and I was just having some fun....then I was almost dragged off the dance floor. I twisted my arm and got out of the hold and went back on the dance floor. I continued dancing and then it got hot again... This time with someone that physically met my standards and things went a little further....but then I was asked a question I didn't understand because of the loud music...My response wasn't what was expected and the response I got was "Why not?" I know I mis understood the question then. I said maybe we should go somewhere and talk....but then we lost track of each other.

I try to play it safe. I didn't know this person, all I know is we clicked on the dance floor for a moment. I came home feeling a bit excited that I wasn't rejected by everyone. I wasn't trying to get away from the second one, I was just trying to find out more before going any further. Things were moving faster that I was used to. It was a bit exhilarating what happened on the dance floor. I just wish that we could have gotten to know each other safely. Maybe it can still happen.

I was glad I made it home safely.

Cleaning with an audience

I had a friend come over and spend some time with me. I was a bit lethargic and all I did was clean.

I've been a bit lethargic and avoiding going out in the heat. I have been a bit couped up all weekend.

I am relaxing somewhat, and just somewhat being all out lazy.

I figure I will get out for a bit at some point.

There is much I need to do.
I find myself wanting to go to sleep instead.

At least kick back and relax.

Then and Than God and god

My main boss trying to teach me that God is spelled with a capital G doesn't realize that I was talking about the god of a smaller realm and I wasn't the first to call him god.

He wrote, "If you are going to play the God card than you should at least spell it right! Its with a capital G."

Well then...I had spelled "god" correctly, and there is a difference....
But I think I will just remain quiet about this one! (except for this little blog)

I won't bother telling him the difference between then and than.

I am on the brink of success!

An amazing phrase that came to me that has been used for a while and ended up in someone's blog a few days ago.

Mundane Monday

Well its actually nice to be able to use that phrase.

Monday wasn't too bad. Nothing too exciting. It was drizzling outside all day. I tried to keep myself productive at work. I was disappointed to hear that my brother's car broke down while he was trying to take my mother to physical therapy. Thankfully everyone got to a safe place. I haven't been doing much the past few days. I really just laid around for hours when I got home. I got my bird out of his cage for a little bit. I haven't even had dinner yet, and tomorrow is going to be a very long day. I should be working basically a 12 hour day (with about an hour and a half break after 8 hours). I am glad to have the work, but I am sure low on energy levels. I wish the grocery prices were falling with the gas prices. I know I need to be eating better. I haven't had much to eat today at all. I had a couple bowls of cereal (Raisin Bran) for breakfast, and one double stack from Wendy's for lunch. I guess I am going to eat a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.

Ho hum, the life....But hey, I am still glad to be here!

I am thankful that I have a private kitchen, a private shower, clothes that aren't too ratty, a job, and I know people that care about me.

How's about that?! It has been my intent to focus on the things that I am grateful for and leave each blog entry with a positive note. Doing this puts a positive spin on my life. I am working at getting back to that.

Good visit with family

I made a trip out to my parent's house. I hung out for a few hours. I didn't do much really... Just sat around and talked a bit and pet the dogs. It was a nice little visit. On the way back I stopped and got some gas at the lowest I have seen it in a while, but still more than last year.

I tried not to think too much or worry too much about my dissatisfaction at work. I take each step day by day and know I can't get ahead of God. Trying to get ahead of God just leaves you tired out while God catches up with you. I try to walk in sync.

The truths on the forefront

Jealousy serves no good purpose, fear leads to anger, and perfect love casts out all fear.

Half day of work

My boss said he would be in today, so he said I could come in around noon. The day went by pretty fast.

Some faxes came in that had to be handled, and I had a package to get together, and I had mail to process and various requests.

I contemplated and researched various ways of implementing an automated accounting system based by user name for the company I am working for. Without cooperation from the IT department, it is going to be impossible. If we could get separate log-ins in the community PC room, then tracking it becomes fairly easy. If we can't get that, then tracking it would rely on very robust and expensive software, which we would still have to have permission to install on the company machines.

This may leave only one option, which is a really annoying option: manually counting the jobs as they are coming off the printer and logging it for each user. This is something that I guess wouldn't be too bad because I would at least have something to keep me very busy. Someone is printing on that printer constantly....however if reasonable limits are set, then that would curb the usage of it and the printer would not be as busy.

I worked on updating some marketing pieces and putting out some sample brochures to replace those that mysteriously disappeared.

I feel like I don't get enough credit for my creative ability. There isn't a system in place to profit from it. I don't get to do things that I enjoy often enough. There are certain tasks I do enjoy much more than others. Repetitive mundane tasks where I am working for someone else who seems to have it made while I am struggling day to day is driving me nuts.

It seems at times I am doing 90% of the work and getting less than 50% of the pay. I don't know how accurate those figures are, but it really seems that way. I know that I am physically at the office every day dealing with a variety of stuff, while my boss makes it for only a few hours once a week.

My boss has gone on multiple vacations, has a nice house, goes to the movies and to shows frequently, drives a nice car, yet he seems unhappy with his life.

I haven't seen a vacation in over seven years unless you count some time off to recover from a bad bike accident or the times I was unemployed. My car is in terrible shape. The only movies I can afford are the dollar rental new releases or going to see them at the local country club. My insurance rates are high, I am in a load of debt, I am barely making enough money to cover my rent and utilities while I try to pay towards my debt.

I do want to work. I enjoy doing the things I have done in the past but haven't had much activity with. I enjoy processing mail, designing mail pieces, producing mailings using mail merge and folding machines, making signs, doing database work, setting up web pages, working with various machines. I like variety. I can't stand mundane work, though I tolerate it when it is the only thing that I can find to sustain me.

I really need help getting on a better career path or figuring out how to make my current situation more rewarding. It is too uncomfortable at this rate in this economy.

Good Conversations

I didn't go to church this morning because I was lazy. I am missing that worship experience. I feel a need to get closer. I guess I have the excuse this time that it was nearly 5 AM when I finally got to sleep after my mother's injury. She had gone to another hospital and waited for hours for a re-constructive surgeon to show up that didn't make it in. It was nearly 9 AM when my parents got home. (Nearly twelve hours after the accident)

I called one friend and talked about the experience at the hospital last night. He ranted and raved about how this a direct result of the actions of the left wing Democratic party. In contrast to the sign that says patients are sometimes taken in order of need of the severity of the illness or injury, the hospital took people in the order of when they come in, not necessarily in the order of the greatest need. If it is life threatening, that's a different story...but other than that...first come first serve. He ranted about how the Democrats need that vote and the ones that come in for a head cold are seen before someone bleeding and needing stitches because it might look bad if a non-minority person got ahead of a minority for any reason. I think the actions of the hospital workers were less thought out than that really. I just saw a lack of compassion. I did see one person who showed compassion and helped, but he was not working in the capacity to do much more than wrap up her hand.

I called up the mother of a good friend of mine. She is a tough lady. Although some miles separate us and we are not in constant contact, she is somewhat of a second mom to me. She is a great listener and a person with a strong faith. She knows what it is like to deal with pain and adversity and how you have to persevere. She prays for my family and I. We talked for over an hour and it was very nice to catch up. She was there to listen and to help me sort through some of what was on my mind. She was also there to encourage me to fight the good fight.

My mom called me and let me know she was up for a bit. She said she wasn't comfortable, but she wasn't in excessive pain. She was in pretty good spirits. She apologized she wouldn't be bringing me leftovers to work tomorrow...I told her there was no need to apologize for that I apologized that I couldn't cook for her. I am not as good in the kitchen as my mom.

I didn't do much else today. I've been a bit lazy and lethargic. I did get my bird out of his cage for a bit and show him some attention.

I will probably get out of the house for a little bit before the night is over.

Not a fan of our healthcare system

Today, I spent some time with friends.
I was a bit lazy during most of the day. I did do a little laundry.
A friend came over and we talked about looking at my car, but there really isn't much I can do about it right now. We wound up playing a few hands of Yahtzee! he beat me three times, but the last hand I scored the highest of all the hands. It was just something fun to do to pass the time.

Around 8 PM, I went to go visit my mom where she was watching over an elderly friend of the family.

We played a game of Acey Ducey and talked a bit.

As it got time for her to go, she wasn't ready to go home alone. We were enjoying each other's company. Somehow she slipped when putting away an old antique fan that was running. This fan didn't have much of a guard around it and the blades were sharp metal. This put me into shock. I was freaking out. She had broken at least one finger and had torn some ligaments and was bleeding pretty bad. I tried to get her to the hospital as quickly as possible. I was clumsy and awkward driving an unfamiliar car. I am not used to driving an automatic with brakes that react as fast as hers. It didn't seem like that long to get her to the hospital....but when we got there it seemed like forever before she got any attention at all. If it wasn't for family, I am not sure she would have gotten any help at all.

If she didn't already deal with chronic pain, she would have had nothing to help her with the pain for at least five hours. Fortunately, she had something to help a bit. When my brother followed my dad back to their home to get her car home safely they picked up her pain medicine and brought it back up to the hospital. She still hadn't been seen by a doctor at this point. We arrived at the hospital before 10 PM, and didn't leave until about 2 AM. They did an x-ray and sent her back out to wait. My parents found out that there was no one there that could set the bones and left frustrated after waiting 5 hours and still hadn't even got so much as stitched up. She asked for the x-rays, and they said they wouldn't be available until the next day.

I was shocked at the lack of care and concern the people in the ER at the first hospital we went to. There were people getting treated before her that showed no obvious signs of immediate need. There was even a couple sitting in the corner making out while waiting to go in for help for something that went in ahead of my mom who was bleeding and in pain.

They left for another hospital that saw her fairly quickly and treated her hand with the best of their ability. They cleaned it up and numbed it some. They were pretty busy at that hospital to before they got there. They said they could set bones there, but they didn't that night. She is going to have to go back and get more treatment because there was damage done to tendons and ligaments as well. I am saddened by this because this is disabling for my mother. She is one who takes care of others...and now she needs help. She is finally going to be getting some needed rest now. She had been needing to get some time off from her daily grind.

I trust that she will heal from this. I know many people are praying for her.

I am frustrated with the medical care system. Maybe we just went to the wrong hospital, but I don't think this was an isolated case.

Sometimes I want to work my way the hospitals and help these situations, but I fear that I will end up just like them....over worked and can't afford to care.

Enduring the Blazing Heat

Today I had two events to attend for our 10 year high school reunion.

I drove my Honda that needs radiator fans in the 100 degree plus heat running my heater. The picnic wasn't far away, but we were under a pavilion out in the heat.

I stayed until about 2 PM. I didn't show up at 11...it was a little difficult after staying out late that night. It was nice catching up some more with a friend who had moved away to south Texas.

I went home and took a shower and washed some clothes and got ready for the evening.

I drove to my parent's house in Garland in my hot car. I had missed my exit to the highway partially because I got distracted by an incoming phone call. It was a hot ride sitting through the red lights. I finally arrived at my parents house, and they weren't back yet...so when I got there, I was waiting out in the heat for a little while. When I got inside it felt much cooler to me. It was hot to my parents. My parent's air conditioner had gone out that day. The high temperatures around this time was 107. Fortunately, they have a couple rooms that have window units and were able to survive the heat by staying in those rooms.

My very good friend showed up in her air conditioned truck and we went off to the country club where the big official reunion was held. I had a wonderful time. I got to catch up some with some people I knew in high school, and some of the others I wished I had gotten to know. I had a marvelous time. It was worth the money and enduring the heat. It was a very classy event and I really enjoyed the lasagna.

While at the Formal reunion, I got the award for having the oldest car. There were others with older cars, but only 9 out of the 30 people that showed up filled out the survey, so the results were a bit skewed.

I returned to my parent's home around 1 AM, and wound up talking with my mother till nearly 4 AM worried about my brother who had been knocked around a bit on his business trip.

Time Crunch

Today I felt pressured for time.

Last night, a friend stayed over till about 11:30 PM..
I had to be at work by 8:30 AM.

I went to work, got home by about 4:20 PM.

A friend of mine was there waiting on me.

A couple other friends stopped by.

I was rushing trying to get ready to go to a mixer at a bar in Addison to attend a get together of people that went to our school before we all split up to go to college or start our careers of whatever we went doing.

I had a pretty good time. The appetizers were not very good at all, the music was loud, and it was difficult to carry on a conversation because it was so loud.

I got home around 11:30.

I went to bed not much later than that.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today was my mother's birthday.

My mom was going to come visit, but time got away from her very fast.

They were going to go out to eat at Steak and Ale, but unfortunately with Bennigans and Steak and Ale going bankrupt, they didn't get to eat there. Instead, they went to El Fenix, a great Tex Mex chain that had been family owned and operated for many years but has now been bought by Firebird. I wish I had joined them for dinner.

She didn't make it to my apartment to visit and play games. I somewhat had a full house. I had some friends stop by.

Happy Birthday Chrys

My friend Chrys had a birthday today.

I went out to the clubs to celebrate with him. There weren't many people out, but I went out to see my friend and celebrate his birthday. I got to see a robot dancing out in the middle of the dance floor. It belonged to one of the managers of the club. It was pretty cool.

I spent too much money, but I made it home safely.

Full Day Monday

Unfortunately, my assistant was too ill to come to work today.

It was a plus for my bank account, but I would rather my assistant be well. I was glad to be at work, just not glad that my assistant isn't well.

It worked out pretty good though. There was work to be done that would have been very difficult for my assistant to pull off because of physical limitations and some lack of training in certain areas. A large order came to us on Sunday. I had to replace a part on the color printer. I processed the large order which was a several step process. I had to print one side of the postcard in small groups on the color printer, then preform a mail merge on another printer, then take it to a place to get cut, and then send it through the postage machine. I got it all done. Just the usual day from that point. I do need to finish a few things up before I go.

Not there yet.

I got on the phone just before I should have headed out for church and wound up in a long conversation missing worship service again.

I decided I would at least go by and drop off some clothes for the friends ministry.

I stopped by the pet store to buy my cockatiel some food and maybe some antibiotics. I ended up with only some vitamins. They had sold out of the only brand my cockatiel eats. I dropped off some clothes at the friends ministry and then I proceeded to go to the hardware store and buy a nice new clean dowel rod for my cockatiel to perch on. I figured he needed something to perch on while I cleaned the others. I wound up buying a dowel rod that was a bit too big around. I will have to go exchange that for one that fits better. I accepted the fact that I tried and I figured I would go exchange that later on. The heat was building up out there, and I was running out of stamina.

The relay in my dryer went out on me. I wonder if that is something my apartments are going to be willing to fix. I am not sure honestly. I guess we will see at a later date. I hadn't been using my dryer a whole lot recently because the energy and time it took to dry things and the heat build up in my apartment made it seem wiser to dry at the laundry mat.

I made steps towards my goals this weekend, but I am not there yet.

Lazy Saturday with an intersting suprise

I didn't to much this Saturday.

I woke up fairly early, but I laid around a bit.

I finally got up and gave my friend a ride to the drive through so he could get some food. His parents came and picked him up fairly early that afternoon.

A friend came over and we talked a bit. I tried to help with transferring over his library of music in his I tunes software. I worked on some laundry and a bit of house cleaning.

Hours passed pretty quickly. Later on a friend of mine called me up and asked what I was up to.

I told him I wasn't doing much really, just hanging around.

He said he might stop by. Then he called me and told me he didn't have any money to do anything. I talked him into going out anyways. He came over and we hung out a bit, then we walked up to the country club. We talked with some neighbors there and left just after happy hour. As I we were walking down the street I live on at approximately 11:30 PM, we were close to my door...we passed a couple of guys. One of the guys turned around and revealed a gun, stuck it in my friend's back and said "give us all your $hi┬"

I was caught off guard. I was wearing cargo shorts, so I couldn't even find my beat up cell phone to offer to him or the keys to my totaled vehicle..(which I have theft insurance on)..My friend said, "I don't have anything and if I did I'd give it to you" which was the truth because he almost didn't come out because he had nothing in his account to come out with. He had spent what he had. I started backing away and getting to a safe distance, but I noticed my friend was still standing very close to the two guys. I tried to get my friend to duck inside the apartment complex with me... The guys walked away knowing they chose the wrong guys to pull that on....I walked straight towards the security for my apartment (and away from the guys) and informed them of what just happened while the guys were still in line of sight.

Here is the surprise:
Nobody got hurt, I didn't loose anything, and two suspects were apprehended!

Wow, I got to live to tell about it!

RIP Randy Pausch

This Friday, I worked until about 4 PM.
While I was at work I read about Randy Pausch, a professor that passed away on this day. I watched his famous last lecture. Randy Pausch was someone who knew how to live and how to have fun. He did things in his life that will be giving back for years to come. He was able to deliver a high energy speech that became a best seller while still knowing he had a very limited amount of time to live.

I headed straight home where I met up with a friend of mine who is also battling cancer. He hasn't accepted any doctor's prediction on how long he is going to live though. We didn't do much of anything really. We hung around the house and talked some. I was a bit high strung and nervous talking about the recent days events at times I found myself practically yelling. I caught myself doing this, and when I apologized to my friend he understood. He said he has found himself doing the same thing in the past. I had too much nervous energy flowing. I finally took my regular dose of medication to calm myself down a bit. Later on that night, I got very sleepy and laid down hungry. I was more sleepy than I was hungry, because it was the next morning before I woke up.

Movie Night at the country club: 21

Tonight was movie night at the country club.

I took advantage of the burger special in the past, but prices have gone up across the board. I had dinner before I went up there so I wouldn't be spending any money.
I walked up to the country club and sat out by the pool for a few minutes just relaxing a bit.

After that, I went inside and found a place and sat down and watched 21. My eyes didn't deviate from the screen really. I watched the entire movie didn't say a word to anyone, except the two that spoke to me. The movie was interesting. It was based on a true story. I took from it a few things. In this life you can generally achieve what you put your mind to, you can earn thousands and have it stolen from you more than once, and you can find other ways of reaching your dreams when your plan has fallen through more than once.

The movie left me a bit frustrated I guess because it is so close to the truth. In this life you can have it all for a short while, loose it all in a very short while, and you can earn it all again to loose it again. But the irony is that things have a way of working out.

Busy Night

Well it was a busy night for me. A cashier didn't come to work this Tuesday night. This meant for a heavier workload for me. There were several hours where I was the only one (besides the express lane) moving large baskets of groceries through the line, scanning them, bagging them up, and processing the transactions. There were quite a few two basket orders coming through my line. The totals were above three hundred dollars on some of the orders. A front line manager asked me if I wanted to stay late. I asked how late? He said 11:00... I said I will think about it.. I thought about it as I worked all the way up till 11:00, at which point I had made my decision. I was ready to go home ;)

It was a busy night. I came home with a slightly sore wrist but satisfaction knowing I did a great job. It was like a scene out of the movie Employee of the Month the speed that I was moving. This isn't all that unusual for me. I don't think I could keep that pace up if I was there for the longer shifts, but it impresses the customers once in a while.

I was glad to be able to put in a good days work.

Lazy Tuesday Morning

I woke up very early today. About 4 AM.
I had fallen asleep pretty early the night before.
I didn't even remember having dinner.

I didn't want to get up then, so I went back to sleep.
I woke up around 8 AM and had some cereal.
I could remember sleeping well enough to dream, but I couldn't remember my dreams.
I laid around until nearly 10 AM in a half dream state.

I finally got up and got some lunch and went to work.
I will work about 5 hours here, go home and have some dinner, and work about three and a half hours at the evening job.

I guess I am a bit under stimulated.

Monday Monday Monday

Well this Monday, I thought I would try something different.

I had planned on coming in early to begin learning a new field of work.
Someone I had spoken with out in the halls and around the office has his own business and said he could use some help. He didn't promise anything hourly, and nothing really concrete in what I would be making in commissions, but it sounded like an opportunity to get started in learning something new and learning the potential financial payoff in the process. It wasn't going to cost me anything but some time. All I had to do was show up a bit earlier to work than I had been doing to go see what I could learn. Unfortunately, when I showed up, the person I had been talking to was no where around. I sent him an email to call me and he did and said he would be in the office around noon. That was the the time I had to start work at the other job. So, I just hung out with my assistant upstairs and chilled out until about that time. I figured I avoided driving in the heat some that way anyways. At least I tried today. I will give it another try another day.

Tomorrow is two job Tuesday. I don't really want to show up early on Tuesday when I work till late in the evening.

Happy Birthday Dad

I woke up late. I had slept through church again.

Well I felt a bit lousy because of that.

It is my father's birthday, and he didn't even want me to spend any money on him. He knows the tight financial situation I am in. I enjoyed going and having lunch with my family and celebrating my father's birthday. I wished there was something more that I could give back than just being there. I didn't even want to drive in the heat out there. I was really fortunate that my mother came and picked me up from my apartment and even drove me back. We are getting into the heat of the summer and getting into the triple digits, and not only does my air conditioner not work in my car... the fans are jammed behind a warped radiator which means I have to run the heater to keep the engine cool. I am still thankful for a car that will get a few miles in a short amount of time and I can load up groceries in the trunk and be home in a flash. I dread having to figure out what to do when inspection comes around. I was just really glad I didn't have to drive a bit longer distance in the heat to see my father on his birthday.

I really didn't do much.
I was a bit disappointed with how little I got done, but satisfied that I got to spend so much time with friends and family.

Waiting around the apartment

I wound up waiting around my apartment the whole day.
I kept expecting a friend to show up.
Several did fairly early.

Finally, the friend I had been expecting showed up.
We had a short visit and I wound up staying up late with a neighbor watching clips of 60 minutes on his computer and listening to music and just hanging out.

I tried to make myself go to sleep, but had a difficult time.

I was up again till nearly 3 AM.

Start of the weekend

Well, its Friday.
The start of a weekend.

I did what I could at work. I started to wind down a bit before I left work.
I called on a friend and kept expecting him to come by.
Hours passed, I cleaned house a bit, did some laundry and such.
A couple friends popped by. We hung out a little bit.
I wound up getting pretty tired around 3 AM and laid down.
The timing just hasn't been right lately.
People were not showing up or showing up at the wrong times.

Dead Ant

I killed an ant today.
I saw it crawling around in my apartment. It really did nothing wrong.....other than invading my apartment.
I spared the other two ants I saw. One I showed the dead ant to went running out of the apartment into his little hiding place somewhere behind the walls or under the carpet.

I am sure all the dead ant saw was crevice that lead to food, and then some huge giant squashing him for no real purpose really.
i guess I should call an exterminator.....and then instead of killing one by one, I can get them all.

The sad thing is I didn't really want to kill that ant.

I guess in some strange way i felt i was protecting my bird, who's food they were after.

Thats also one reason i am afraid of pesticides around here, because birds are quite sensitive to that.

This makes me want to find real deterrents (almost spelled it deter ants) to keep them out of harms way, but still allow them to live their mysterious existence.

What is the purpose of an ant?

To make us feel big and powerful?

Maybe I should buy a home for my ants....a little ant farm.

(Metaphorically speaking)
I somewhat feel like an ant in this world. Sometimes I feel I am about to be squashed by the giants.
Maybe I will be one that is spared. Then I will have to deal with the horrific aftermath of the ants that do get squashed.

Long live the queen!

From down in the dumps to jumping for joy

I woke up this morning down in the dumps depressed.

I have so much I am trying to overcome, and I know I am not alone.

Rising gas prices and rising diesel fuel prices fueling rising grocery prices, the rise of restaurant food prices, and my personal loss of income had me down.

I was looking forward to going to my 10 year high school reunion with a friend I have known since the fourth grade, but she started to back out because she didn't know what she was going to wear. It all turned out to be a miscommunication because the dress code for the formal reunion is semi formal, and when I begged and pleaded she agreed that she would go. I am so happy about that. That has made my day.

I am looking forward to re-connecting with a bunch of people I saw around the halls in high school. Perhaps getting to know some of the people I never got to know. I am extremely grateful that I won't be going alone.

This really made my day!

Opportunity Knocks

Today before work, I got to talking to a friend who owns his own company.

He runs a recruiting business for medical doctors.

He has offered to let me sit in and watch and listen in on the phone on how he runs his business. There are some possible commissions that I could earn in this eventually.

At the moment, I see it as the best opportunity that has presented itself to make up some lost income that won't interfere much with what I have going on right now.

The business is in the same building where I work 30 hours a week.

I just might show up 9 AM Monday, or start staying up here later burning up the phones.

This opportunity sounds good. Not only will I be helping myself, I can help get his business back to where it was before things hit the fan for him.

I truly think this can be a golden opportunity, one with true payoff for all people involved.

sleepin away

I somewhat slept away the morning.
I was up late the night before.
I had some company come by and hang out.
I explored more music.

Sleepy Saturday

I stayed up late Friday night with a friend and we listened to some dance/trance from France.
We didn't do much else really.
we just hung out a bit.
my friend left early in the afternoon to go to a relatives graduation.

Tune In

I am tuning in to the love and the spirit that encompasses us all.
Just like your the airwaves that pass through us unknown to us.....we don't recognize them until we tune in with our radios. Whether or not we are in tune with it or not, its there. The Holy Spirit is always there, all we have to do is tune ourselves to receive it.

I am tuning myself now. God reigns. His love reigns. The music of Delirious? helps me tune in.

This energy is something I don't stay tuned into enough.
This is the energy that sustains life.
Peace love and abundance flows through me.

I wonder why I ever allow myself to resonate with anything other.

Peace to the world.

Out of Step Wedesday

Well, shoot.

I realized when I got home those reload disks were for a Toshiba Satelite.
I have know a few pople with those, but the one I was given with the broken screen was a Compaq Armada.

I don't have the disks I need to rebuild the Compaq. The Compaq Armada I have was manufactured before Compaq was bought out, so the support isn't available for free on it.

This laptop is almost useless in its current condition, just more junk I am going to try to dispose of with as little detremental impact to the ecology as possible.

BLAH!

Step By Step Wednesday

I keep taking a step at a time.

I know I can't just be at my final destination without the journey.

I tried to improve the business cards I have at work because my assistant said it looked off balance. I messed with it for a long while trying to make something look better. I finally quit saying "If it doesn't fit, then I must quit!" I just couldn't fit everything into the template without making the info tiny.

Someone gave me a couple of CDs today that I might be able to use to rebuild an old laptop. One has a pretty deep gouge in it, but I am hopeful that it will work anyways.

This could be my ticket to having a Windows XP system at home again.
I may invest in an external sound card because the sound card currently sounds distorted on quite a bit of stuff.

We will see how it all goes.

I am hopeful that I get a paycheck tomorrow.

My cash flow is very low.

I want to keep some of it in the bank for emergency.
I also need to pay down some of my huge pile of credit card debt.

I need to be looking for better opportunity for making some money on the side if I am going to keep this job up.

I try to stay focused. I keep getting the message if I focus on the strength of God and my purpose, then all will be in divine order.

With about 15 minutes till 5, I wrap thing up at the office.

Two Job Tuesday

Today is another two job Tuesday.

I woke up very early, as I fell asleep without dinner last night very early.
When I awoke, all of my lights were on and had been on the entire night.
I didn't expect to really go to sleep. I was just laying down for a second feeling a bit tired.

I arrived at work pretty early. I just hid a bit so I wouldn't be bothered until I was scheduled to be there. I tried to help my assistant with a few things, but my efforts only seemed to frustrate her more. She stormed out of work several minutes early. I tried not to make too much of it. I know there are quite a bit of things that are bothering her that have nothing to do with the work situation.

I still haven't figured out what other days I want to make myself available as a grocery cashier. The truth is, that isn't where I really want to be spending more my time. I haven't succeeded in creating a place for myself to be able to serve multiple agents at once under my defined rules, so I am going to have to do something.

I want to be spending more of my time doing something more rewarding.
I have ideas, but everywhere I look, it seems the doors are locked. Maybe I should be checking the windows, or looking for keys, maybe I just need to knock!?

This year is more than half over, and I have gotten even further behind on my bills.
My credit card balances are not going down, but at least my credit rating is hovering at a good place.

I have to do something quick, because I seem to be going further and further into debt month by month.

My expenses are set pretty low. I may have to give up my vehicle and sell it for parts so I don't have to continue to pay for insurance for it...as that is close to what I am paying for gas...and then there was that automated red light ticket while turning right on red with someone following closely behind me. Driving is too expensive. I own my vehicle, but it has been costly. Tires, insurance, registration, inspection, gas, it all adds up.

Then again, if I go riding my bike or walking, there really aren't safe ways to cross the street or get around town. I've been in a wreck in a car, and I've been in a wreck on a bicycle. Wrecks in cars seem to be much more tolerable, except for the insurance hikes! Public transit in this city really isn't very nice. The buses don't run often enough or close enough to schedule. The public transit won't get me home from a club at night either. I don't know what I am going to do... I just take it day by day, but right now, each day I seem to be slipping.

I may take a couple steps forward, but I seem to take a few back.

What to do? What to do?

I am staying prayerful, and trying to stay on purpose.
If I stay on purpose, I can't go wrong.

I am a truly believe in the midsts of all of this, God is in control.

All of what I am going through is a learning experience.
I will learn from this, I will grow from this.
This I know. I also know there is more to life than this life!

Monday 7-7-08

My favorite number is 7.

Today is the 7th.

Nothing too spectacular about it.

I went to work on time. A part we had been waiting on for quite a while still hadn't shown up.

When I got home, they were painting the exterior of my apartment.

I got my bird out of his cage for a bit. I looked over the Sunday paper and got a little overwhelmed with it all. I just started feeling quite drained. I fell asleep with all the lights in my house on.

That was pretty much it for Monday.

Church and Family Lunch

Today I made it to worship service at church.
It was a good service and sermon.
I enjoyed the singing.
Afterwards, I went over to my parents house and had a great traditional Fourth of July meal for us.
Baked beans, Eckridge sausage, and potato salad.
I ate quite a bit.
I did a little grocery shopping.
I am pretty worn out.
Its about time for me to get to bed.

Scrub

I did a little cleaning around the apartment.
I cleaned up some dust around the place.
I did quite a bit of laundry.
I didn't do much else though.
I stayed at home the majority of the day.
A friend of mine said he would come over later around 1 pm. He finally showed up about six hours later.
I was just at home cleaning pretty much.

Happy 4th of July

I woke up early with a slight buzz from last night.
I could still taste that hurricane!
I felt great!

Hours have passed like minutes this morning.

I seem to be enjoying my manic high still.

As crazy as everything in this world is, even being in pain, I am happy as can be!
I will enjoy this while it is here, cause I know this is a temporary state.
I am not going on any big spending sprees though! I know better than that! I know these emotions don't make sense.

Jason Mraz is getting some air time on Mix 102.9. I'm yours!

The day has just begun!

Had a blast!

I had a blast tonight!

A good friend of mine picked me up and we went out to see the firework show in Addison.

It was a nice show. I am glad for the freedom I have in this country.
I was thinking about how I hope people don't loose sight of our roots.

We were on the outskirts of the show, so leaving was a breeze.

We also went out to a club. We were some of the first people to arrive. I had a couple of tall huricanes from my favorite bar tender there....GOOOD Stuff! A couple people told me to slow down, lol.... I was fine. I didn't have to drive. I had a great time. We left just before last call and made it home ok.

I think I finally hit that manic high I have been waiting for!

:P

Two Job Tuesday

Just the usual two job Tuesday.

I made it to both jobs just fine.

It was a fairly easy and uneventful day.

Gearing up for the 4th this Wednesday

Last night, I actually had quite a bit of fun on the check stands.

I got to play around with some persuasion techniques. I was getting money out of people for prostate cancer research and education. I did pretty well. I was only there a few hours and collected about $15. Thats about half what I collected for myself by working there! The a smile and direct eye contact with enthusiasm is quite effective.

I am a little better as far as pain goes today.
Still had a mild migraine (yes some are more intense than others).
I stopped by my doctor's office and gave them a note and let them know that I was out of Immitrex. I haven't heard back from them.

This Wednesday, it seems that not many people are hanging around the office.
I did get a couple of orders in and out.
I have been waiting on a part for our color printer for a few days.
I am concerned it may not show up before the Fourth of July Weekend.

Not much else going on really.

Just another day at the office.

Tense Tuesday

This Tuesday, I woke up in quite a bit of pain.

My right shoulder was hurting quite a bit(T4 in my neck actually and a line of pain extending from it).
My muscles were tight and my body unbearably stiff.
I soaked in a hot tub of water for about an hour trying to get moving to where I could turn my head enough to be able see to drive. I took an aspirin and a Tylenol and my regular dose of Klonopin. I relaxed myself to the point I fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I woke up surprised that I had fallen asleep so long and ate a quick salad before I ran out the door to work running a few minutes behind.

I calculated how much getting some time off is for the Fourth of July weekend is going to cost me in lost hours. It came up to about $150. Arg! Why did it have to fall on a Friday this year?! Oh well. I am sure everything is in divine order.

I am beginning to wonder how well aligned I am with that order though.

I will be switching hats in a few hours and getting on the check stands.
I will probably be in a meditative state at work taking the best care of my body as possible while working on the check stands.

I begin to relax.

I re-affirm that my every need is being met.
I have enough food to eat to survive. I have a relatively safe place to sleep at night. I have a way to get to and from work. My brain still functions pretty well. I have all my fingers and all my toes. I have family. I serve a Living Loving God.
God is my strength and my salvation.

What is there to be tense about?

I pray for peace and relaxation to fill my body and overflow to those around me.

God Bless the Earth!

Overdrive Monday

This Monday, I got up and made some breakfast.
I had a little coffee.
I was hurting quite a bit this Monday.
My muscles were all tense and I had a terrible case of the shakes.
I took an early dose of my klonopin and tried to chill out.
Things at work were pretty much the usual.
We need a part that is on order. I usually keep one on hand, but somehow we missed that one.

I walked around my apartments quite a bit after work.
I talked to a few neighbors, worked on some laundry.
I went for a late night bike ride as the sun was setting to the grocery store.
I was sure to stay out of the roads, wear my helmet, and use all my flashing lights.

I survived the night.

I slept OK. I seemed to dream quite a bit.

Made it to Church on time

I broke the cycle of not attending again!

I made it on time to church for worship
The church service was nice and ended in singing one of my favorite church hymns.
"Victory in Jesus"

A few people have come up to me after hearing my proud voice singing in church and said that I need to get up there and either help lead at times or join the choir. I just smiled and shrugged and said thanks. I do not want to commit and devote to too much right now, but I am prayerfully where my place and purpose is and how much I should take on.

I attended the quarterly meeting after church.

We had difficult import decisions to make in budget planning.
The motions were made and passed to allow for the money to come out of reserves and invest into our current location on some remodeling and getting the building up to code now that it is apparent we are not changing locations any time soon.

We have a long road of renovation and revitalization ahead of us.
We don't have a clear picture of our goal yet, but we are working on it.

Much like my life, we are taking things a few steps at a time.

We all seem to accept that our fate is not completely in our hands.

To some, that is a terrifying notion, but to those that have true faith in a God that is in control and uses all forces to work for good, it is a spiritual understanding that brings peace.

Third Day's Wonderful Music and lyrics are playing through my rhapsody player right now

Take My Life Third Day Offerings II: All I Have To Give

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
Every time you have taken me back
Now I pray that you do it once more

Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You
Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus.

How many times have I gone astray
The number is the same as the stars in the skies
Every time you've taken me back
Now I pray that you do it tonight.

Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You
Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus.

I also watched an old movie called Tron with a couple of friends a a friends apartment near mine. I though it was some really corny old sci-fi stuff. I watched it and almost dozed off.

Deacon Family Saturday

This Saturday, I attended a gathering with my church deacon family at the deacon's place.

We had a fairly good turn out. The space seemed limited, I couldn't imagine that many more people showing up in that small of a place. The house wasn't small, but there wasn't a large common area. We could somewhat sprawl between the living room and the kitchen. It was quaint. It was a nicely decorated and clean place to have a gathering.

I ended up in fairly deep conversations with one of the guys from church. I felt if I may have talked more than I listened at times. I will have other opportunities to get together with the group and be more of a part of it. It is nice having a church family. I spent nearly four hours in fellowship there.

I came home and played my bass a bit. A friend of mine came over and knocked on the door and called, but I didn't answer because I was playing my bass and music so loud I didn't hear him. I called him back and he came back over. We talked for several hours.

I went to bed around midnight or so.

Finally Friday

Well, it is finally Friday.

I wish I could get some more activity going comfortably around the office.

It always seems that there is either so much work to do, we are scrambling to get it done, or so little that we are twiddling our thumbs.

I constantly seek that balance.

I keep up my hopes that I can help keep this current program running smoothly with little involvement needed as I transition into something more fulfilling.

My creativity is a bit stifled today.

Sometimes the creativity flows with ease, and other times it just goes stagnant.

When I have a task to preform, I can get it done. Having the creativity and foresight to create work for myself that only helps insure I stay in the same position that is barely sustaining me is quite difficult.

But it is FRIDAY :) I can wrap things up pretty soon here and try to relax a bit.

Something I have been having a bit of a difficult time doing lately.

Dr. Wayne Dyer speaks of how therapeutic being on purpose can be.

I was listening to an interview of Sy Sternberg published on AdvisorToday, the previous CEO of New York Life, also speaks of how fulfilling life can be when you feel you are making a positive impact and have purpose.

It makes me want to really make that little enterprise I have built in my mind work.

It may come down to me asking to become what I have been working for.

I don't know where my life will take me, but I agree with Dr. Wayne Dyer on one thing for sure: Each experience in my life has purpose.

It isn't my job to change the order of the universe, rather to align myself with the order of the universe.

I am thankful for church friends, friends at work, a job, a way to get to work, a place to stay, enough money coming in to hold ground.

I continue aspire for more.

I work at not being driven by fear, rather by aspiration to do greater things in this world.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

I have much on the brain.
I want to help in so many ways.
I feel as if I am beginning to find my higher purpose.

New Tools Thursday

I was frustrated trying to design 4 up postcards in Microsoft Word.

Microsoft Word is a great word processor that has capabilities that go far beyond just typing a letter. However, it isn't the best page layout program. It wasn't designed for that. I finally grumbled and threw out an analogy that I knew my boss would understand. I said, "This is like playing baseball with a broomstick!" He asked what I meant by that, and I told him if I had Publisher I would have the postcard done by now, and I had already spent over an hour on it and couldn't seem to get it to line up right. He conceded and decided that he had heard enough of my gripes, and went and picked up a copy of Publisher 2007 and brought it to me immediately. Publisher isn't really for professional designers that want their work to go to press, but it is great for desktop publishing short runs, which is pretty much all we do. I was able to whip out that postcard with much better quality and accuracy after I got the program installed. I know there is much more potential with the program that I will probably ever use, but it is a valuable tool for my job. Hopefully with enough creativity, I can make this investment more than pay for itself for my boss.

I felt really good about winning a small battle. Perhaps could have encouraged him in a less aggravating manner, but it certainly was effective!

Wacky Wednesday

Today wasn't the usual Wednesday for me.

I did go to work and handled a few things at the office.

I showed up a little early to cut a check to Susan G Komen Three Day Walk for a benefit showing of Get Smart.

I went home for a min and then went up to see the movie. It was a good movie, a little lame at times, but it was good. Unfortunately, I began to get a migraine towards the end of the movie. There was a raffle drawing, but I didn't win anything. I still felt good about donating to a good cause.

I don't figure it was a combination of the change in atmospheric pressure as the storms came in, and the noise from the movie that triggered the migraine. I made it home before the storm hit. It really wasn't much of a storm. Just a little lightning and some wind and a little drizzle after I got home. I talked to my mother for a a while and tried to wind down.

Knowing I had a full day ahead of me, I went to bed at a fairly decent hour.

Another Two Job Tuesday

Today is another two job Tuesday.

Before work, I managed to get a nice haircut. I showed up at a good time. I didn't have an appointment, but when I showed up I immediately saw my favorite and said "ah (his first name) is here." He asked if I was ready for a haircut and I got right in. I was quite happy about that cause I was overdue.

I showed up to work and my assistant was extremely frustrated with a spreadsheet. I managed to help her out and calm her down a bit and get eat a quick salad before I got on the clock.

An ongoing problem I have been trying to get some attention on finally got some attention from above. I was very impressed with the way my boss handled the situation so far. Maybe we will find a way to stop incurring some of these outlandish overage and supply expenses we have been dealing with.

I have a little more time before I head for home and to job two on the check stands.
I am watching out for the scams more closely now. Our store lost over 4,500 in bad checks from the same fraudulent people recently! I will be asking for ID and refusing sales for no ID without approval from management and it may drive away some legitimate customers, but they are going to have to realize that we really have to watch out for identity theft right now. It is getting bad. It is for the benefit of everyone that we looking more closely at the payment we receive.

I am thankful to be here serving.
I am living.
This is life!

Sleepy Sunday

I slept most of this Sunday away.

This is the third week in a row that I didn't make myself get up in time and push myself to go to church. Ironic, because generally when I make it to church, it usually gives me the boost I need.

I got out and fed some animals in the park around my apartments.

The heat must have zapped my energy, or maybe it was the lack of sleep the days prior.

All I know is it didn't take long and I was wiped out and took a very long nap.

I didn't wake up again till around 6 PM, when a friend of mine brought over a dirt bike he had been working on.

I was impressed with what he had done with it. When he bought the dirt bike, it wasn't in the best of condition. The bike looks completely different now, almost looks like a brand new bike.

We hung out for a bit and we were going to go do a little shopping, but ended up waiting on a friend, and by the time she left the stores we had intended to go to were closed.

We looked up a what a homo polar motor was. We didn't have the right kind of magnet to make our own, but it was an interesting concept. I don't understand the physics behind it.

We talked about environmental issues, physics, school, and just about everything really.

We had a nice time just chatting about the infinite possibilities in the world around us.

After the day was all over, I realized I didn't attend the jam session in Garland at Zion Gate Records. It is sad that it took a tragedy for me to hear about the awesome efforts these guys made getting into the recording industry.

All in all, Sunday was a good day. I got some rest. I enjoyed talking with my friends and hanging out.

Saturday with friends.

This Saturday, my parents went to go visit my grandfather. I didn't get my stuff together and go. I stayed at home and visited with my friends.

A neighbor of mine called and we just kept talking on the phone and I kept having to charge it up.

He finally came over and we talked for quite a while.

Some other friends came over. They were inviting me to a dinner at a friend's, but I didn't want to leave my neighbor hanging out alone. I really didn't want to do any driving either.

We went to the book store, and I got Real Magic by Wayne Dyer. Its one of his older books, but I have heard good things about it. It was a paperback at half priced books, so I didn't spend much more than a few dollars on it. I am wanting to read more and more, see more movies, and hear new music. I am like Johnny Five from Short Circuit "MORE INPUT MORE INPUT"

We went to get a Burrito over at the Chipoltle.

We stayed up and talked for a few more hours.

I finally went to bed pretty late again.

Finally Friday

Well its finally Friday. I didn't get much sleep last night.
People were talking about someone who went nuts around the office screaming at people and left multiple messages being quite upset on various manager's voice mails.
I was asked to print up pictures of the guy for the security guards.

I worked on my little project of building prospect lists for some established agents that might be interested in doing a mailing.

I took care of the other little things around the office.

I stayed pretty busy the whole day.

I was a bit down and out, but I figure its just because I didn't get much rest last night.

I felt tired and wanted to go to sleep when I got home. I wound up talking on the phone with a friend from high school for quite a while. After that, I went for a bike ride to return the movie (Witless Protection Program (IMDB link)) I had rented. I enjoyed riding around a bit.

My friend came over looking for her ID she had lost. We didn't find it. (update it was found in the couch days later)

A couple of other friends stopped by and we got to hang out a while.

It was pretty good day in the end.

Keeping Busy Thursday

I was in a pretty good mood today.

I got to work on time, actually a little early, and I saw my boss came to work.
He got to work before i did.

A storm came through just after I arrived at work.

I didn't have a whole lot of work to keep my busy, but I listened to some good sales techniques through pod casts on Advisors Today's website. Something in one of the podcasts made me giggle, and my boss said something along the fact of "Did I just hire an teenage girl as an assistant?" I just responded with "You hired him about seven years ago."

When my boss left around lunch time, he told me to keep busy and gave me a little project to do.

I worked on the project some, and it just seemed to take more effort than it should.

After 5, I went straight home to try to win something on BINGO. They were giving away gift certificates to Macys, Old Navy, Trinity Hall, and even $100 off the rent.

I unfortunately, didn't win any of those prizes, but it passed the time and I got to meet some people.

Afterwards, I called my friend and we went to the DVD kiosk and rented Whitnes Protection Program with Larry the Cable Guy in it. It was a pretty funny movie.

I went to bed late.

Another full workday ahead of me.

Go ahead Wednesday

This morning, I had a follow up appointment with my physician.

They just checked the usual vital signs.
Blood pressure, weight, gait, etc.

Thats when we realized I have lost nine pounds in three months.
When I was asked if I had intended to, I was slow to answer.
I really did want to loose some inches and was working at it, but I wasn't looking to loose weight. At this point my goal is to increase muscle mass.
I still look at is as progress, because I did loose the inches, and the fat is the most difficult to loose.

I admitted that I had reduced my dose of one medication on my own slowly and that I was at a comfortable place with it and didn't want to move either direction at the moment. My doctor surprisingly did not act a bit disappointed. Some doctors get quite upset if a patient slowly adjusts their dose without consulting with them first. He sees that I have made some progress and seems comfortable with the path I am on.

He listened intently to my heart for a minute and said things sounded quite normal.

He gave me the go ahead to get started in a new biathlon exercise program being offered that involves running and swimming.

I am going to be sure to fuel my body to keep from loosing too much weight.

I am fairly content with the progress I have made so far.

I still have other goals I have to work on. In particular making work more worthwhile for everyone involved or finding a place where I can thrive.

These are efforts I don't take lightly.
I have a tendency to over analyze these situations.
I think if I spent more time in action less time analyzing I would get more done.
There is a delicate balance between the two though. Processes have to be defined and honed along the way for efficiency. Some planning and research is required. I also know I don't want to try to get ahead of God. From what I understand when you try to get ahead of God, eventually you tire out and have to seek comfort and rest and restoration when you stop.

I am thankful for every day.
I will take things one day at a time

Whirlwind Tuesday

I woke up early this Tuesday.

I did a little bit of laundry and a bit of house chores, and just otherwise took it easy for the first part of the morning.

I headed towards work, and I could see from the highway some really dark clouds hanging right over the building I was headed to. Just as I pulled into the parking lot, a whirlwind came right behind me. It was dark black carrying debris. Rather large sparks emitted from the power lines behind me. I walked through the dark parking garage and went climbing the 10 flights of stairs immediately. The stairs were still well lit up on reserve power. The elevators were working for a short while, but I didn't want to be in them when they quit working. I made it to the top where I found my mom in the dark talking on her phone. She seemed to be OK. I pulled out the flashlight and went looking down the halls seeing if anyone was trapped in the dark. Everything was pretty much OK, just nothing much could happen till the power came back on. The power came in a little less than an hour I believe.

We were all glad to see the computer systems came up without problems.

A few hours from now, I can go home and put on the next uniform and go to the check stands.

Yay, what a day.

Happy Father's Day

I was exhausted today.

I had been tying to come up with something meaningful to present as a gift to my father for quite a while. I finally saw something that I though he would really like. I got an email from Borders saying it was 20% off. I rode my bicycle up to the local Borders only to find out that they were completely sold out all over town of what I came for. I was looking for the HBO series of 3 States of Anxiety about John Adams and the story of the fathers of America. I wandered around quite a while trying to find something meaningful that I knew he would like. I wasn't sure about anything I picked up. I realized later that the one thing I came for was a bit above the budget I was trying to stay in. I went home exhausted and took a nap hoping to pick up where I left off. I slept for several hours. My father called me after hearing that I was out wandering around in the heat trying to find something special for him. He told me the last thing he wanted me to be doing was riding around out in the heat pushing myself too much. He said he didn't need anything materialistic and didn't need me to spend my hard earned money on him. I just sent him an email letting him know that I really do care, and I was really trying to find something that was meaningful, and I am glad that I have more time to do something special for him.

Exhausted still, I just went back to bed.