Onward and Upward

The top person in my office as far as heirachy of management goes, was very displeased with the way I handled a situation at work. I don't tend to let people around me know what it is that has got me so stressed out especially the majority of it is has nothing to do with the people around me. I got too defensive and really offended a few people around the office. I talked with friends, church members, meditated, and even prayed all weekend. I wanted reconciliation. Some people when they see me upset think I am out for retalliaton. I am not a violent person, and people are paranoid these days. Too often it is reported in the news where a disgruntled employee brings in some weapons and just shoots up an entire place. I am not like that at all, but when I am angry look scary to some people. I don't even know my own strength when I am angry. I have vowed to work on my stress level and the way I handle conflict. I apologized for any innaproprate behavior in written letters. Now that the whole story is out where the system had its breakdown, it was much easier. The manager that was so upset with me and had even gotten in my face and told me how close I was to getting kicked out of here finally cooled off. He read the letter of apology and accepted it. He told me I was a valuable employee and that we can put this behind us and move onward and upward. It felt good to hear the words, but I am still nervous as can be. I am trying by best to do a great job and I am allways looking over my shoulder wondering where the next punch is going to come from. I am being very careful the way I greet people, my facial expressions, my body language, etc. I feel sometimes as if I am walking on egg shells. It used to be that way every day for a couple of years when I lived with my parents at one point. These kinds of stressfull sitiuations are just more than I want to deal with sometimes. I keep looking for an out. It is so very difficult to find good work where you are treated humanely in this world. I thank God for what I have and pray that I can keep my cool and stay focused through this all. I am trying so hard to pay down some debts so that I can afford to further my education and climb a different corporate ladder. I have been stuck too long. I feel good about keeping a job for over five years, but the title hasn't changed. I have gotten better and better at what I do, but the pay rate hasn't changed much. I just hope that I can keep this thing going long enough to either turn it into a better paying job with maybee even a vacation or someting or find a real job with benefits and such.

ONWARD and UPWARD from here!