Onward and Upward

The top person in my office as far as heirachy of management goes, was very displeased with the way I handled a situation at work. I don't tend to let people around me know what it is that has got me so stressed out especially the majority of it is has nothing to do with the people around me. I got too defensive and really offended a few people around the office. I talked with friends, church members, meditated, and even prayed all weekend. I wanted reconciliation. Some people when they see me upset think I am out for retalliaton. I am not a violent person, and people are paranoid these days. Too often it is reported in the news where a disgruntled employee brings in some weapons and just shoots up an entire place. I am not like that at all, but when I am angry look scary to some people. I don't even know my own strength when I am angry. I have vowed to work on my stress level and the way I handle conflict. I apologized for any innaproprate behavior in written letters. Now that the whole story is out where the system had its breakdown, it was much easier. The manager that was so upset with me and had even gotten in my face and told me how close I was to getting kicked out of here finally cooled off. He read the letter of apology and accepted it. He told me I was a valuable employee and that we can put this behind us and move onward and upward. It felt good to hear the words, but I am still nervous as can be. I am trying by best to do a great job and I am allways looking over my shoulder wondering where the next punch is going to come from. I am being very careful the way I greet people, my facial expressions, my body language, etc. I feel sometimes as if I am walking on egg shells. It used to be that way every day for a couple of years when I lived with my parents at one point. These kinds of stressfull sitiuations are just more than I want to deal with sometimes. I keep looking for an out. It is so very difficult to find good work where you are treated humanely in this world. I thank God for what I have and pray that I can keep my cool and stay focused through this all. I am trying so hard to pay down some debts so that I can afford to further my education and climb a different corporate ladder. I have been stuck too long. I feel good about keeping a job for over five years, but the title hasn't changed. I have gotten better and better at what I do, but the pay rate hasn't changed much. I just hope that I can keep this thing going long enough to either turn it into a better paying job with maybee even a vacation or someting or find a real job with benefits and such.

ONWARD and UPWARD from here!

Counting Pills and Keeping Cool

Well, I had gone in to see the doctor and got some pills and the perscription was faxed into my local pharmacy.
I counted what I had left to see if I had perhaps forgotten that I took one.
I discovered that there were 30 pills missing.

I called one of my good friends and told her I really didn't think she or her friend took any, but I wanted to make sure that was the case.
She assured me that neither of them did.

I called the pharmacy and told them that the bottle said there should be 60, I took 4 and there were only 26 left. This led me to believe that they shorted me by 30 pills.

The pharmacist said that they believed they had made a mistake. They gave me the remainder of the pills. Then I pulled out a cupon that they said I could use after the fact so that I would go ahead and pay for the pills. I got a 25 dollar gift card for the store I bought my 29 dollar perscription at. Hows about that???

I even made it to a gift shop to give a close co-worker a going away card and willow sculpture. She acted like she really appreciated it.

I made it to work and I did a fine job.

I remained calm and when my boss raised his voice at me I calmly told him he was and that I was going to take one of those 15 min breaks we talked about and I did...and then we handled the situation fine.

Ahhh... This is going to be a long haul, but I am in for it!

HOT WATER

Today, the hot water was turned off at exactly 9 AM in my apartments.
I got up at 9:30 to take a shower..
AHHH no hot water.

I thought to myself, maybee I should just go to work...I seem to have been getting into plenty of hot water there!

So I started boiling hot water.
I get enough for a shallow bath and then I heard this hissing noise......the hot water was back on and the towel in the sink was being soaked!

Oh well. I took my shower and made it to work.
I ate a bowl of award winning Back Woods Chili!

I did a good job and I went home.

I made it home in record timing through traffic.

Only 12 Minutes!

I even remembered to go to work in the evening.
I was even able to sew on a missing button for my uniform!

WOW!

I am gooood!

Doctor! Doctor! Help Me!

All weekend long, I tried to let go of all of this stress, and it just wasn't happening.
Breathe....walk....talk it out......Go to Church...
Still have a rapid heart beat, still have a high blood pressure.

I remembered the words when my doctor saw how keyed up I was when I went in for an upper respiratory infection a while back. He noticed my anxiety. He said when you are ready for help, come see me. I finally did. I called first thing in the morning and got a work in appointment. When my boss asked me when I was going to come in to have a little chat about the crap that hit the fan in the office, I told him I was on the way to see my doctor. I told him my blood pressure had been out of control all weekend and I didn't want to have a stroke in front of him. My doctor evaluated me and asked all kinds of very important questions. I told him much of it was temporary stress, but my body's physical reactions to it was over-amplified. He asked if I was depressed, and I told him reasonably so. When he asked what that meant, I told him if I didn't shed a tear or two after all of what I have gone through recently, I would think that something was wrong. Some of the reactions have been over amplified though and I need help with that. I have been over defensive in certain situation. He made the decision to give me something to cool my jets just a little bit. I started with a low dose and it has helped. I think I will be getting up to a higher dose soon.

I came in and discussed what the main concerns were in the office.
My boss said that I had put in enough good credits to get a second chance (and he also recognized the fact that his whole operations would really be hindered if I wasn't here to keep it going)

So, I got to keep my job and my pride!

Imagine that!

Be Still & Ride it out

I have come dangerously close to loosing my job.
I have lost my cool in some really ridiculous situations at work.
My stress levels have been off the charts.
My blood pressure and hear rate have been up.
I went out for a bike ride and rode it out some today.

The sermon today at church hit so close to home. The sermon almost seemed like it was written just for me, though I know of others that came up to my pastor and told him how it shed some light on some of their situations as well.

There were three bullet points of the sermon that really spoke to me.

In a stressful situation:
Do Not Be Afraid
Stand Strong
and BE STILL

And know that God will lead you through.

When things get ridiculous I have a tendency to get a little upset. I need to learn to let that go. I cannot take any of this stuff personally. It is unnecessary stressful energy. There are battles I can not fight that I have to turn over to God.

I pray for peace tonight.

I thank God for my church family and those who stand by me and pray with me.

I pray that I find peace and that I let go of any anger or animosity built up in me. I also pray that others around me do to.

Beautiful Saviour Wonderful King

Oh Praise Him Alleluia

I Believe In Love!

Please Pass the Patron

Friday, I had my boss and my boss's boss simultaneously yelling at me. The thing that got me most upset is that neither of them truly knew the whole story.

As soon as I got out of work, I dropped a friend of and went to go get some testing done.

I drove through all kinds of crazy traffic and made it to my testing site.

They were very nice and that was the most pleasant experience I think I have had all week.

My friend called me and told me he was in the area and asked if he should drop by.

I said sure, but I am not home yet. I made it home fairly soon and we went out to eat.

Afterwards, some other friends showed up and I talked to them about what all went down at work.

When they went on, I was still fuming about work.

I went wandering around my apartment complex and ended up in the country club.

I went up to my favorite bar tender and said
"I need a shot of Patron! It's been that good a day"

about two minutes later

"I need a shot of Patron! It's been that good a day"

Ahh, I could finally think about something else!

I met up with some friends I had met before, played a couple of rounds of pool, and got to know some neighbors better. The night just got lots better.

That crazy day was nothing two shots of Patron couldn't fix!!

But my empty stomach didn't like it as much as I did!

Time Crunch - Crunch Time

Now that my schedule has changed up a bit, I have to make sure I get to work at 8:30 AM twice a week. It was so much easier to make it at 9 AM! It took half the time and frustration, literally! Oh well, at least it is the difference of seven and fifteen minutes we are talking about. Thank God I live so close to work.

I love my job, but I need more money. I keep looking for realistic opportunities so that when I go to the negotiating table, I have something to haggle with. It is easier to walk away when you are not being compensated enough when a much better opportunity exists. It is a bit crazy though. It is difficult to know what is a good fit until you have made the switch. I got one response from a very large company. I almost had to laugh because the opportunity they were speaking of and telling me I was a good fit for pays about seven times what I make now!

I have left a good position with minimal pay to start working at a much better salary, only to realize that it wasn't a good fit and go a while without being able to find a good fit again.
I actually took my old job back once it finally became available several months later. I am cautious and I won't jump till I know the bungee cord is in place or it is a nice pool of deep enough water I am jumping into!

I know I need more. Plain and simple, it costs quite a bit to live in Dallas, and it was where I was born so I refuse to leave! All I want is to find that position that pays me well enough to survive and work myself out of the debt I have accumulated through these economic downturns and lack of work.

So I blog away at work, with little to do.

Ho Hum.

I am building an empire in the background though! That may pay out and be more secure than any other offer I find out there!

Peace!

Thankfully Picking Up The Broken Pieces

It has been over five days since my things were smashed. I am still picking up some of the broken pieces. Emotionally, I am progressing. I am past disbelief, past anger, past blaming myself, and to the point of realizing I have to take care of myself.

Either I got punched harder than I realized, or I an grinding my TMJ into an inflamed source of agony in the middle of the night.

I got a paycheck today. I paid CITIBANK, and their online system says that my interest rate is 29% but I have been assured over the phone that by the 5th of March, it should reflect the correct interest rate. I also paid GEICO to keep my liability insurance in force. I have some other bills on the calendar, but I am hanging on to some cash. I am not paying much more than my minimum until I at least have a bit of a cash cushion again.

I came in early to work today to give my neighbor a ride to work. I came and helped my mom with some tasks in the office. I got in over an hour and a half early. I will pay myself back by taking care of an hour and a half of personal business while I am on the clock.

Thankfully, I have been doing a very good job and I am even getting pretty good at proving that I have.

I still have to locate some 2006 tax documents.

I thank God for the ability to pick up the pieces and keep going.
I thank God for the fact that I had a meal I could drink today!
I thank God for the fact I have a job to come into every day.
I thank God I have a 4 string bass tucked away safely.
I thank God I have friends that care.
I thank God I have a safe place (relatively) to lay my head at night.
I thank God for family progressing and healing.
I thank God for unlimited earning potential this year.
I thank God for guaranteed income this year.
I thank God that I have a vehicle that gets me to and from work.

At my post

I woke up early to see if I could get some testing done. Turns out I got there when the window opened, but testing didn't begin till 3. I had to be at work at that point, so I left. I went to get my haircut and found out I was there too early. My neighbor called and needed a ride in 15 min. I hurried down the highway accepting the fact it was a wasted trip pushing through traffic. I got my friend to work and got back home and finished working on some laundry.
I made it to work before I had to be there.

In the evening, I was at my post and on the ball as well.
I remembered that I had the cashier position I was supposed to go to.
I showed up on time, dressed appropriately, with a name tag, and did a great job.
I even saw an old neighbor and made some people smile.

Thank God I made it through another day.

Prized Possessions

OK I realized that I have no true valentine. I wanted to believe it so bad I had convinced myself that I did. This wasn't the first year with this valentine either. I wind up going to pick up my "valentine" only to give all my love with no return. Instead, I get my prized possessions intentionally destroyed. It started with my five string bass guitar, it got smashed. Then my computer...and some glasses. My place was ransacked in only a few minutes of drunken fury that I am not sure who was really directed. I am torn with emotion. I understand this stemmed from deep down pain and past hurts of my "Valentine", but I also understand I am hurt and a line has been crossed.

Happy Valentines

Happy Valentines Day!

For the first time in, well decades, I have a valentine to celebrate with.
I have been stuck at work all day...thankfull to have work though.
My Valentine gets off work early and plans on coming over after I get off work.
Neither of us have much of anything to celebrate with, but we will make the best of it.
Come Friday, payday, we will celebrate a little more.

Just another day at the office...doing my job and proving to everyone I have been doing my part.
It is great to be able to prove that I am doing a great job.
People come to me seeing why something wasn't done, and I have a definitive answer.
They come to me seeing what was done, and I have records of what was done when and why.

I am hopeful that I will find more work for my employee as we just lost his main project.

It will be very nice if I get a good group of agents willing to work together and willing to allow me to handle the admin side of it.

Well, here we are a month and a half behind.
Arg.

I pray for help from above to discern what is right, and what is good for the whole.

Patience and Persistence are two thing that get me through life.

I remain hopeful that I can help guide things into place.

Another Days Work and Burger Night

The day was just a normal day really at work.

Wednesday Night is Burger night and movie at the country club for my apartments. The movie was No Reservations, which seemed a little boring actually.

I had company, my friend that is still battling cancer. He came over just before I went to work. He hung out at my place and took a bit of a nap before I came home. He is in-between chemo treatments. He just hung out with me a bit and we listened to music and such. We went to the country club together and I had a burger and he had some chicken strips.

Nothing much exciting in the evening. I went to bed very early.

AWOL - Absent Without Leave

Last week I worked a full day at the day job. I was sick with an upper respiratory infection.
I did not make it into the evening cashier position, but I did call and let them know.
I am over the upper respiratory infection now.

I did discover that I used Tax Act to electronically file my 2006 taxes. They IRS claim I never filed. I was able to pay 10 dollars to get another copy to mail in. If they don't receive the proper paperwork in time, then I loose $810 in credits.

I came home from working a pretty full day and returned some documents to someone that had their purse stolen. She called me and let me know she was coming. It was yesterday I found some loose documents in the street outside my apartment and I called her to let her know what I found. I stood outside and talked with the security guard for awhile and completely forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I was supposed to be getting ready for work. I was supposed to be on the registers doing my job as a cashier. I just totally forgot. I didn't realize until my shift was practically over.

I hope my managers understand. I just allowed myself to get too busy and caught up in things and nothing brought me back. No one reminded me, no one called to see what happened.

It is unfortunate that I don't have someone looking out for me ...
Pay that, bill bay this bill, file a copy of this in your file, show up here show up there

No backup is in place if I forget.

I'll pull the brain damaged card ; )

Banks, Credit Card Companies and the such.

It is horrifying how the banks have gotten lately.
If you screw up one bit, they tear you apart.
For example:

The savings account that my father helped me set up as a little boy was swallowed up by Viewpoint. They added fees to my savings account and took small fees out of my account till it was all gone while sending the statements to my old address (parents) Father I had updated it online.

I closed an account from one bank because they ruthlessly charged me hundreds of dollars in fees in overdrafts in one day when I was able to cover it from other accounts. At first notice I tried to take care of it. The fees they charged me forced me to come up with more money to get my account in good order.

I closed that account. A scheduled payment online didn't go through because it (or I) remembered the wrong a account to pay from.

This cost me $39 in fees. (CITIBANK)
Plus, the refused to let me pay them online for one month and would accept a payment over the phone for a fee.

I mailed in my payment ON TIME because when I made the mistake I was paying my account EARLY and I had time to mail in a payment before the DUE DATE.

They called my account a delinquent account despite all my efforts to pay my bills and spiked my interest rate to 29% from 5%!

Thank God I got them to back off some, but they threaten ONE slip up returned check or missed payment it goes right to 29% for six months NO EXCEPTIONS!

I can just hear them saying "Toe the line bitch!"though I never heard it for my own ears.

Just what I needed

I got just what I needed at work. More hours.

The only thing that bothers me is now I must get there earlier and can't be gone long if I leave for lunch. I never charged for time I wasn't there, but sometimes I would be gone for a bit longer than 45 min for a lunch sometimes. Traffic would screw it up sometimes. Sometimes I need to escape and regroup an come back to something. I just feel a bit tied down, while my boss gets to go on a on multiple vacations a year and show up at work for a few hours twice a week and make much more than me. Honestly, that probably bugs me the most. I don't get paid holidays, vacations, or any benefits of the sort and they are tying me down. The thing I take comfort in is I know this to shall pass. My own business is going to provide the freedom I am looking for. I will win my battles. I just have to choose them carefully!

I know that God is near.

I know what I want is just. I want what will help everyone involved. Win-Win baby!

God will provide.

Peace

Triumphant Insomnia

Things are beginning to break through :)

More hours were authorized for all of us at work.

Thank God!

I think business elsewhere will pick up in due time.

Now if I could only get some sleep...I got to get to work EARLY! :)

Peace

Locked In

I am ready to stay in my apartments another 10 months; I just signed the lease.

With security watching out for us, community pools, a concierge, a washer and dryer stacker and full size pay per load washer/dryers around the corner (within the apartment complex), great location for commuting to work, I just can't beat it.

I have to admit it sometimes scares me because budgets are really tight.

Its my basic need and its not too extravagant. It doesn't get cheaper and stay safe.

Hopefully I will be out of the Debt and Rent Game sooon!

Not Busy Enough

Today, I am just not busy enough.

I got a phone call early this morning because my boss was looking for a part we need for our color printer at work. It frustrated me because I know I ordered that part on Monday of last week, and we still don't have it. The garbage cans are overflowing in my apartments, I need to sign my lease but they haven't typed it up yet. It is aggravating to me that I try so hard to be so efficient and get so much work done, and I still end up with these big lulls and I see piles of work laying around that are not my responsibility. Hours pass with nothing significant transpiring.

Oh well.
So another day passes.

At least it Monday, half price pizza night at Two Rows.

All I want is some steady workflow!

ARG!

Discontent

Ahh..well so another day.

I went out on the search for some good Mexican food and we went to a place we had been able to trust reliably for good food at a good price. Well this time, we were all disappointed. The tortillas were tough...the service was slow and borderline rude. The quality of the meat went down, and the prices went up.

So the hunt for another hangout with good food and drinks moves on.

I watched Hairspray for the first time. Good movie, and about the third I watched of the triumphs of the oppressed.

Its a melancholy feeling....so many have risen from oppression, so many remain.

Ah if it were only a level playing field.
We all have to use our unique gifts for the good of all.

God is my only hope.

May I have content with what I have.

Dear Lord send down your love from above.

I feel alone in a world of of billions.