Missing a friend

A friend of mine passed away on Monday of last week.
I went to the funeral Saturday.
He was more than a friend to me. I loved him deeply.
I took him in, helped him get a job, tried to help guide him.
I tried to let him live his life.
He moved out...got his own place. I felt like I had lost him then, but it was OK because he had a life...and once in a while I would hear from him.
I never knew that one day he would call me up and we would see eachother one last time.
I never knew just how much I would miss him when he left this planet.

God I miss him so.

I can wait, but I hope to see him again in God's time.

In the black!

WHOAH! I am in the black for the first time in years! I actually have more in liquid assets than I owe at the moment! I am still working on paying down debts and maintaining checking and savings, but it is so very nice to know that I am actually in the black. WOOO HOOO! It's not time to quit scrimping and saving though, but it is very exciting to hit that mark!

I need to ligthen up

I need to lighten up.

This is going to be an interesting holiday season.

I really need to lighten up.

In more than one sense of the word. I am too stressed, and I have too much of a heavy load. When I spent such a long time carrying around a heavy load, going without it seems scary. I have gotten accustomed to my life the way it is. Moving is tedious and expensive. I have to lighten up my load and learn to live with less.

Need to spend money:

I have too much I need to spend money on:

Dental work: Cavities need drill and fill.
Car repairs: Rotors, spark plugs, fuel filter, air conditioner
Doctors visit check up on some issues.

Good Day

Saw my grandfather and grandmother and I hung out with my mom and dad and brother.

I got a little frustrated with my brother today, we argued a bit.

There were a couple of issues.... One he thought that my choice of insurance and roadside rescue was a poor choice thought I was paying too much. I may be, but I have been having a difficult time finding a reputable insurance company that will cover me for less than I am paying because my driving history. There isn't anything catastrophic, but a few little blips can certainly raise up the rates. Earlier in the day there was a big argument about finding a home for a bird that I had left behind. My mom has been taking care of the bird, but it has been a burden. She would like for her to go to a good home, but I am not sure she isn't too attached to it. I think I may have found a home for it if she really does want to see it find a new home.

At any rate, it certainly causes a whole lot of grief this morning.

All in all it was a good day.

I got to spend a whole lot of time with family.

Random raw humor thought....

Just like gas...This too shall pass.

I know....this entry stinks!

Are prayers being answered?

Are prayers being answered?
Have I found a new calling?
Is God calling me?
I am beginning to think so, though I am still searching.

I feel like sometimes I can hear God's voice calling me leading me, but I am only hearing the echos. I can't figure out what way to go.

Sometimes it is almost like I am following something that is moving from a distance crouching behind objects to hide. It is a human thing to do, trying to follow God but not too closely. It is like we resist the change and try to hold on to our identity rather than become one with God. I have a hard time with the Ego sometimes here. It isn't about me! As a pastor in my life has said, "More of Him and less of me."

I was talking to myself when I was alone on my drive home today. I found myself saying I am blessed I am so blessed I am so blessed.

Ah, but am I really hearing God, or am I just fooling myself? Where is my God? Sometimes the voice is so faint that I wonder if it is really God....Although I guess if God were to really come into my apartment right now and stand before me and speak to me directly, I must admit that might be a little startling.

Ever go through a situation where things were getting really uncomfortable and dangerous or just the potential for things to go awry with no backup plans and things were getting worse with no signs of improvement or possibility for improvement? Somehow I seem to get through those times. I don't see the solution and I can get stressed out about it, but unexpected answers come.

I think sometimes it is important to look hard and rely on our own understanding when looking for answers so that we can see how wonderful the unexpected solutions that God presents to us truly are.

Income and expenses

The median income is supposedly 54K a year. How is that so?
Do half the people really make more than that?
Do half the people really make less than that?

From my perspective it seems like more people make less than that.
Although I know a few individuals making near that, I find that many people with a bachelors degree are not making more than 30K.

I am completely confused on this.

I know money isn't everything, but it is very important.
It is difficult to find shelter, food, and medical care without quite a bit of money.


Well, food is fairly easy to come by right now, although quality food is a little more difficult to find.

What does it matter when God is your source?

Love Heals

I had been very bummed out fearing a very difficult future not knowing how I am going to pay my debts and build some savings. I searched and searched and searched for a very long time trying to figure out a sensible room mate situation. I prayed and prayed for a solution and for hope. It may have finally found me. I am going to have to hold on to my faith and keep an open mind. I feel like this is the second chance I need. I have been looking for a way to cut my living expenses for a while, and this is so much more feasable than joining some branch of military service or staying in some shelter. It even seems more feasabile than trying to stay with my parents again. I should be able to continue to work, and pay my credit cards down, and aviod quite a bit of other bills. In a couple of years, I could be on a much more solid ground. I stand on the rock of salvation. I feel God is in this.

Credit card holder bill of rights

The credit card bill of rights just passed does not seem to be in the consumers best interest for those already in debt. It will help those that have not gotten themselves in debt yet by restricting the availability of credit and in the future and keep their rates from going up unexpectedly for no reason. For those already in debt, I think it will do more harm than good. The credit card companies have nine months to raise the rates to the hilt, and they probably will, because there is nothing stopping them from doing it now, and they won't be able to as easily in the future. This will make it harder for those already in debt to switch to lower interest cards.

There is nothing in place for lowering the interest rates of the debt we are already carrying. The credit card companies will be able to just tack on more annual fees to stick it to the consumer. This may push more people into bankruptcy, something I really want to avoid. Why pay lawyers, court fees, credit counseling fees, and such, that would equal a large portion of my debt, all the while the credit card companies get nothing back and my credit is ruined. All the while, I wonder if there is no avoiding it.

Focus on the good.

I can't seem to focus on prosperity. My mind sees sickness, homelessness, debt, poverty, insufficiency everywhere.

I need to focus on the good. I still have some cash in the bank, two jobs, I am still paying on my debts, I am still paying my rent.

Progress is progress. I predict to be making about $500 a month progress for a while.

What I may owe on my apartment at the end of the lease is probably going to be a big set back, easily exceeding all of the progress I have made in a year. I won't know what those numbers will be until I find another place to stay. So far, I can't seem to find a place worth making the move to. I am reluctant to move into another place I may not be able to afford. It seems like I could find stability if I could just hit zero and find a lower cost place to stay. If I hit zero where I am currently, I could wind up in owing crazy amounts of money at the end of the lease. If the lease is not fulfilled, it could be thousands that I owe just in discounts. A one hundred dollar deposit isn't enough to cover the damages that happened in five years in my apartment either.

Affordable housing in dallas seems to be a myth. The housing authority is not even taking applications for discounted housing right now because the wating list got so long.

What's a stressed young man like myself to do?

Try to focus on the good.

Lazy Day

Been another lazy day. Felt like I needed more rest when I woke up. I didn't get back to sleep..wasted some time...got up didn't do much. I wrote a check and paid my rent. A friend is supposed to be coming over. Its raining a bit outside. My washer is acting up again. I at least am more convinced that there was a problem when I called it in before and it just went away...and now it has reappeared. I have some cleaning do to around here. Seriously...I have been avoiding way too much.

Thankful

I am thankful to have the jobs I have right now especially with competition as fierce as it seems to be right now. I get virtually every tool I need. I have to get my mind organized and prioritize and be more useful. I need to make lists and stay organized. I need not despair on the small progress I am making on my debts. Progress is progress and I hope I experience another even more massive big leap of progress. Change is difficult, but inevitable. Drastic change can be shocking at first, but sometimes it seems necessary. You just don't want to delay something that is long overdue.

Morning a week later...only I haven't been to bed yet

Hello.. Good Morning...



And Good Night.

Before I actually go to sleep here, I guess I will make a quick journal entry..... Today I watched a pretty good movie a friend shared with me, The Dark Knight. It was that action packed thriller movie Batman thing. Well anyways, we watched it.
I visited the church my parents go to again. The music is pretty good, I hear it uplifting me throughout the week.

My energy levels were low all weekend.
A new week has begun.
Another light week.

Imagine what I could have done.
I can imagine I still have a chance.

Its late its not even Sunday anymore.

Good morning and Goodnight.

Morning

Its a new work week.

Not getting enough hours at the grocery store job. I got a low service score because two out of three secret shops I missed one of the attributes. They said they weren't getting the business. As a result, I am one of the first ones that they cut hours on, they say they cannot transfer me, and I am ineligible to move up.

Well, as depressed as I am already, that is not helpful at all.

I am going to go to work at the office job. Jeez, I wish I could feel good about things there.

I don't feel good about any aspect of my life.
My jobs, my car, my money, my debt, my health, the cost of my apartment.
I am quite disturbed.

Four fifty an hour

I spent four fifty in one hour tonight.
I got two drinks and gave a tip.
I couldn't seem to get a conversation going with anyone.
Everyone already seemed to be in their little group or off to themselves.
The music was good. I heard a few songs I hadn't heard in a while...like I wear my sunglasses at night....Chameleon....i saw a couple of the usual people up there... I didn't really know anybody by name....well one person that left just after I got there. I felt very closed off and insignificant. My family was there for me this weekend...I have some friends left.. i have been going through some times that only my true friends or family have been able to tolerate, and even then it is a strained relationship.

I left feeling quite lonely. I feel so out of place. I am so antisocial. It was almost painful to interact with anyone at all. I called a friend I have known for a long time. Other than that, I probably only said about ten words total the whole hour. No one said anything to me really. There is so much of this going on it is sad really. I really need to break out of this funk.

I don't want to die like this. I would so love to be able to find a way to cut expenses and keep my income up or increase it. I want to be out of this rut so bad. Hopefully these times will be temporary. Hopefully I will see better times. Hopefully I can learn to have happiness, and interaction, and love again. Hopefully I can get out of this rut before it is all over.

A war hero turns eighty six

My grandfather who fought in World War II and earned a silver star for some heroic life saving actions while serving in the Air Force turned 86 today.
He isn't at a hundred percent. He has suffered from some strokes that have caused some damage. I got to see my cousins and all and that was nice and all. I kicked a ball around with a cousin. I walked around outside a bit.

I am still here. I am consumed in financial worries.
I think I should have been seeking alternatives sooner.
I used to expect the best and I didn't always get it I guess.
All I know is that I am far behind.
It is an overwhelming thing in my life.
It is something I am obsessive about and has nearly taken over my life.

I am considering going and spending a couple bucks at the bar... Something that I shouldn't do, but I am very tempted to.

Shoot its only a couple of dollars.
I don't do it very often.
The bar might even be closed....who knows...

But happy hour is over soon...so I better go check it out before its too late.

I'll try to check in a bit more often.................Maybe it won't be another five months.