Thankful

I am thankful to have the jobs I have right now especially with competition as fierce as it seems to be right now. I get virtually every tool I need. I have to get my mind organized and prioritize and be more useful. I need to make lists and stay organized. I need not despair on the small progress I am making on my debts. Progress is progress and I hope I experience another even more massive big leap of progress. Change is difficult, but inevitable. Drastic change can be shocking at first, but sometimes it seems necessary. You just don't want to delay something that is long overdue.

Morning a week later...only I haven't been to bed yet

Hello.. Good Morning...



And Good Night.

Before I actually go to sleep here, I guess I will make a quick journal entry..... Today I watched a pretty good movie a friend shared with me, The Dark Knight. It was that action packed thriller movie Batman thing. Well anyways, we watched it.
I visited the church my parents go to again. The music is pretty good, I hear it uplifting me throughout the week.

My energy levels were low all weekend.
A new week has begun.
Another light week.

Imagine what I could have done.
I can imagine I still have a chance.

Its late its not even Sunday anymore.

Good morning and Goodnight.

Morning

Its a new work week.

Not getting enough hours at the grocery store job. I got a low service score because two out of three secret shops I missed one of the attributes. They said they weren't getting the business. As a result, I am one of the first ones that they cut hours on, they say they cannot transfer me, and I am ineligible to move up.

Well, as depressed as I am already, that is not helpful at all.

I am going to go to work at the office job. Jeez, I wish I could feel good about things there.

I don't feel good about any aspect of my life.
My jobs, my car, my money, my debt, my health, the cost of my apartment.
I am quite disturbed.

Four fifty an hour

I spent four fifty in one hour tonight.
I got two drinks and gave a tip.
I couldn't seem to get a conversation going with anyone.
Everyone already seemed to be in their little group or off to themselves.
The music was good. I heard a few songs I hadn't heard in a while...like I wear my sunglasses at night....Chameleon....i saw a couple of the usual people up there... I didn't really know anybody by name....well one person that left just after I got there. I felt very closed off and insignificant. My family was there for me this weekend...I have some friends left.. i have been going through some times that only my true friends or family have been able to tolerate, and even then it is a strained relationship.

I left feeling quite lonely. I feel so out of place. I am so antisocial. It was almost painful to interact with anyone at all. I called a friend I have known for a long time. Other than that, I probably only said about ten words total the whole hour. No one said anything to me really. There is so much of this going on it is sad really. I really need to break out of this funk.

I don't want to die like this. I would so love to be able to find a way to cut expenses and keep my income up or increase it. I want to be out of this rut so bad. Hopefully these times will be temporary. Hopefully I will see better times. Hopefully I can learn to have happiness, and interaction, and love again. Hopefully I can get out of this rut before it is all over.

A war hero turns eighty six

My grandfather who fought in World War II and earned a silver star for some heroic life saving actions while serving in the Air Force turned 86 today.
He isn't at a hundred percent. He has suffered from some strokes that have caused some damage. I got to see my cousins and all and that was nice and all. I kicked a ball around with a cousin. I walked around outside a bit.

I am still here. I am consumed in financial worries.
I think I should have been seeking alternatives sooner.
I used to expect the best and I didn't always get it I guess.
All I know is that I am far behind.
It is an overwhelming thing in my life.
It is something I am obsessive about and has nearly taken over my life.

I am considering going and spending a couple bucks at the bar... Something that I shouldn't do, but I am very tempted to.

Shoot its only a couple of dollars.
I don't do it very often.
The bar might even be closed....who knows...

But happy hour is over soon...so I better go check it out before its too late.

I'll try to check in a bit more often.................Maybe it won't be another five months.