Clouded Head

I have a bit of a upper respiratory infection. I laid around all day. I stayed up a bit late last night and into the morning. I didn't sleep well. I woke up every couple of hours it seemed. I didn't do much today. I visited my parents for a few hours. I have been somewhat discouraged. I was thankful for the leftovers my parents gave me and the apple pie and ice cream. I was very thankful for parents who are still there for me.

I watched National Geographic channel while I was at my parents house. They played shows about different drugs such as heroin and methamphetamines and their effects on people. It is so sad how lives have been destroyed by these chemicals. They also portrayed where the majority of opiates are comming from now: Afganastan. That drug trade is fueling the Taliban regime. These shows were not very encouraging. It presented real problems to which no one has presented real solutions to. I have empathy for those that are hooked, yet they feed the problems facing our country today.

Later on in the day, I didn't know where I wanted to be. I wanted to be working, but I didn't feel up to it. I didn't really know what to to next. I didn't want to be alone, but I don't want to risk getting anyone sick. I couldn't think of anyone to go visit. I tried to contain the germs the best I could when I went to see my parents. I went shopping for jeans. I couldn't find a pair that fit my budget and me. I only tried Kohls. I spent quite a while looking for a pair that fit. My nose was running and I just wasn't feeling up to shopping much. I didn't spend any money today. I feel very squeezed financially. I am trying to aggressively pay my way out of debt. I can't really cut much spending. I have to figure out a way to make more money. I need to get over the being uncomfortable making money on my own and dealing with the aspects of taxes and what not. I seem to want to take the easy way out, which is work for someone for an hourly wage or a salary. That mindset generally leaves me financially limited.

Fear and anxiety have somewhat of a stronghold on me.
I have glimpses of hope. I worry too much. Too often I see the problems and the obstacles and not the solutions and pathways to making it right.

I am thankful for what I have. Very thankful indeed. I am thankful for friends, family, transportation, shelter, clothes, privacy, the ability to connect with the world, music, my beautiful sweet cockatiel, and the fact that it isn't all over yet. I am thankful for the fact that I have drive to make it out of this situation, although I feel discouraged as if I am swimming upstream.

Still here

Well, I am still here.

Same jobs, same car, same apartment.

I am grateful to have what I have.

I look back and it has been over a month since I have updated this blog. I am going to try to go back and fill in some gaps from memory.
I wanted to update this daily so I could see my progress and to keep myself on track. Some things I have been facing, I have somewhat looked away because it seems as more than I can handle. I am try to ignore them and hope for miracles. Sometime they do come, just in unexpected ways and in their own time. I want to stop ignoring what I can change.

Money is power. When you owe more than what you can save in five years in your current situation, fear not being able to keep going, and don't know how to change it, it is frightening. It has a tendency to make you feel powerless. Money is not the soul source of power. Seeing the state of the rest of the world, I know I am not alone in my struggles. It seems as if so many of us have lived beyond our means trying to keep a standard of living. I live too much in fear. I worry about living where people are fighting and killing over money or food. Some of this I can change, but much of it I cannot. I keep reminding myself to look where I want to go, not where I am afraid to go.

I seek God, and sometimes I feel so disconnected, yet at times I simply cannot ignore that God is giving us glimpses.

I want to give, but sometimes I feel as if I have nothing to give. Many times I give something, it seems to be returned quicker than I can give it away. It is a strange feeling.

I keep getting up, going to work, doing what I can, and sometimes sitting around stagnant hoping to get well. Sometimes time is what it takes to heal. Sometimes there needs to be more action.

I am still here.